As many psychologists have noted, there are three things every child needs in order to develop in a healthy and positive way. When any of these three areas are lacking, problem behaviors arise and children struggle. For this reason, it is important to reflect often on the following aspects to see how we are measuring up.

The three things that every child needs are as follows:

Love: Children need to know they are loved no matter what.  This can be difficult because sometimes children ask for love in the most unloving ways and the art of unconditional love can be tested. With this, many well meaning parents withhold love and use it in the form of a reward system in order to create desired behaviors (ex: “I am not going to (fill in loving action here) because you did this”). Children do best when they are given love freely and this love is demonstrated consistently. Withholding love from a child as a punishment promotes shame, questioning, and disorganized attachment (Miller, 1996). Showing consistent love is an important element to ensure your child is feeling secure within himself and within their relationship with you. No matter how difficult it can be, it is important for children to know that we are on their side, even if we don’t agree with them.

Areas where this aspect can be implemented: Spending quality time with your child, physical expressions, verbal praise, and genuine care for a child’s interests. 

Limits: Children need limits. This includes structure, routines and expectations. Limits help children develop self-regulation, self-discipline, responsibility and personal security.  Limits should be expected and predictable. In order for children to feel safe, they need to know someone is in charge and that it is not them. Studies show the most effective parenting style encompasses warmth and support for autonomy within secure boundaries and limitations (Stepp 2010). Children who grow up with no limits often have low self esteem, lack motivation and are more likely to develop problem behaviors than children who had reasonable expectations.

Areas where this aspect can be implemented: Age appropriate responsibilities, morning and evening routines, limits around technology, and censorship on media input.

Guidance: It is essential for children to have a caregiver who can guide them. This means cultivating virtues, values and morals. Who do you want your child to be in this world? What do they need in order to be successful? These questions are the questions that caregivers should ask themselves when they are raising children. Guidance helps children make wise choices and supports their ability to be reflective in their lives (Fields & Boesser, 1998). Children are sponges and they respond to what is happening around them. The old saying, “do as I say, not as I do” is not an effective way to guide a child. Practicing the values and ethics you would like to instill in your children is the best way to set them up for success. Furthermore, this guidance does not stop once the child grows up. Offspring, especially teenagers, still need their loved ones to help guide them…even if they do not ask for it.

Areas where this aspect can be implemented: Getting children involved in donating  their time, talent, and treasures, sharing holistic literature, emphasizing and engaging in the family’s cultural, religious and/or spiritual activities.

^{Fields, M.V. & Boesser, C. (1998). Constructive guidance and discipline. Columbus, OH: Merrill.}

^{Miller, D.F. (1996). Positive child guidance. Boston, MA: Delmar.}

^{Stepp, G. (2010). Teaching children the art of self control.}

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