This is a tough concept that many couples struggle with.

One overly simple answer can be noted as:

We struggle because we are different.

Couples tend to drastically underestimate the power of each others upbringing.

Each partner comes from a unique background which makes it difficult to understand things in the same way.

We forget this and want our partners to “just get on board with how things should be!”

 

Initially, differences are derived from how we were raised. Whether we noticed it or not, we learned certain expectations, values, morals, and world views… even if those around us did not intend for us to learn these things.

 Our upbringing often shapes how we learned to view the following:

-ways to express emotions

-ideas of religion

-family values

-communication styles

-cultural backgrounds

-family systems

-sexual expectations

-gender roles

and so on.

While it is natural to have different views,  it can be a struggle to find some middle ground.

Due to this, couples often get caught in “if only” thinking….

If only my partner….

– would express their emotions better

– could love me better

– wanted to have more sex

– would put in as much effort as I do

– communicated kindly

-helped more around the house

– wasn’t so stubborn

-was more in touch

And so on….

This “if only thinking” does no good, in fact it can actually cause more separation between couples.

Instead of asking, “Why is it so difficult to deal with my partner?”  We need to look at, “How can we deal with these differences?”

WHO can couples get reliable help from?

If these matters seem overwhelming to tackle, there a few professionals who can help, including…

-Marriage and Family Therapists

-Psychologists

-Mental Health Counselors

-Nationally Certified Counselors

-Social Workers

Above all, it is important to make sure that the therapist or counselor you utilize is a good fit for you as a couple and has the appropriate training in dealing with couple’s issues. 

 

 

When you look in the mirror, are you happy with what you see? If the answer is no, occasionally, or “if my (fill in the blank) looked better” than you are not alone! Most people view their body through an extremely critical lens. When self-criticisms outweigh the positives, we start to selectively see only the negatives about our body. When this happens, we are left with a lower sense of self esteem, a decreased sense of gratitude and an inauthentic view of ourselves.

 

 

Here are 4 ways you can reframe that critical lens to focus your strength on the positives:

 

1. Let go of comparison. It will only hinder you. It is that simple. Your body, genes, style, and expression are unique to you. As Theodore Roosevelt wrote, “Comparison is the Thief of Joy.”

 

2. Write down the things you love about your body. There must be a few things…maybe your eyes, complexion, skin, or witty brain? Make an effort to muster up a few things that you enjoy and acknowledge them often.

 

3. Talk about or write down what your body has given you. The ability to birth a child? The joy of dancing? The art of consoling another through touch? Another way to communicate? Reframe the “don’t haves” to what you do have.

 

4. Develop an affirmation. What is something you can say to yourself, or write on a sticky note and stick to your mirror, that will curb the desire to spiral into that negative lens? Repeat your affirmation often. A few excellent options to consider.

 

 

 

Structural Family Therapy…

is a form of therapy that is utilized when two or more people are present and it focuses on improving family functioning as a whole.  A Structural Family Therapist’s initial goal is join with each member of the family. This means, to enter into each person’s world and to help them feel heard and validated. The therapist’s main goal is to impede dysfunctional family patterns to move the family into a healthier system. Through counseling, the therapist uses a variety of strategies to understand the family’s difficulties and to work toward creating a healthier family structure. Some of the strategies used may include: looking at the family system from other perspectives, tracking sequences, bringing awareness to blind spots, working with subsystems, gaging familial boundaries, tracing communication patterns, joining members and mapping out family themes.

Structural Family Therapy often focuses on the power in the family. This means looking at who holds the power and noticing how is the structure designed. Is there a hierarchy system or is it chaotic? Do the parents run the household or do the children? Is it an authoritarian type or parenting or authoritative? A Structural Family Therapist will look at these power structures with the family and collaborate on healthier ways to gain homeostasis while managing problems. Emphasis is also put on spousal cohesion above the child.  Structural Family Therapists believe that when the spousal relationship is nourished and given attention, then the relationship with the children can flourish.

Furthermore, Structural Family Therapy gives the power back to the family. We believe that families are their own experts and the therapist’s job is to coach and consult with the family to assist in directing them to greater wellbeing. Those who practice Structural Family Therapy believe that changes occur in individuals when the family’s structure has shifted. If these shifts have not occurred, then family members tend to stay in the same dysfunctional patterns. Just like one would see a chiropractor to get their back aligned… a family would see family therapist to help them course correct.

Common reasons people seek family therapy:

_{-Behavioral difficulties with children}

_{-Blended families}

_{-Teenage defiance}

_{-Communication difficulties}

_{-Parent/child relational difficulties}

_{-Divorce/remarriage}

_{-Life transitions or large life events}

_{-Overwhelming emotional responses}

_{-Anger issues}

_{-Grief and loss}

_{-Absent family members}

_{-Parental difficulties}

 

If your family or anyone you know may be struggling with one or more of these difficulties, then family therapy may be a great option. For your free consultation, click on the contact page, or call in today. For more on family health, you can also view, What Elephants Can Teach Us About Healthy Families!

Elephants are extremely intelligent and highly emotional mammals. They exercise a variety of emotions; not unlike humans do (Morell, 2014).  With these articulate traits, there is no doubt we could learn a few things from the way they carry their herd that would ultimately benefit the success of our own families.

What elephants can teach us about healthy families:

 

In an elephant herd, love is abundant.

Elephants demonstrate love to their families in a variety of ways. They have been seen caring for the sick and elderly, cleaning each others wounds, physically soothing others and moving toward herd members in times of turmoil (Morell, 2014). Furthermore, elephants share in nurturing the young by mentoring, demonstrating empathy, and protecting them from predators.

 

Elephant herds have a defined leadership structure.

In all healthy families, there is a clear leadership structure. This translates in the elephant world as well. The elephant leadership role includes, but is not limited to, protecting offspring, providing safety, leading by wisdom, providing compassion and offering guidance (Elephants, 2016). Elephants know that if there is no defined leadership structure, the herd will be in chaos. Thus is the same for the human family unit. The most successful families have a clear parental structure that leads the family.

 

Elephants play together.

Play is extremely powerful. Elephants are known for playing with their herd whenever possible. Dan Siegel, a Neuropsychiatrist, New York Times Bestselling Author and huge advocate of play throughout the human lifespan, marks play as one of the Seven Essential Mental Activities of a healthy mind. Elephants know that play is not a childhood thing, it’s a life long thing.

 

When it comes to love, the importance of leadership and play, elephant families have it right.

 

 

_{“Elephants Forever.” Role of Matriarch Elephant. Elephants Forever, n.d. Web. 20 Jan. 2016.}

_{Morell, Virginia. “It’s Time to Accept That Elephants, Like Us, Are Empathetic Beings.” National Geographic. National Geographic Society, 23 Feb. 2014. Web.}

 

It is that time of year again. Everyone seems to be making amazing resolutions and you may be thinking, “I wish I could do that, but is it realistic for me?” Below are 6 healthy and manageable resolutions that anyone can implement.

1. Be easy to forgive.

Mental health is just as important as physical health when it comes to making resolutions. Holding grudges can cause an enormous amount of strain within interpersonal relationships. Studies show that grudges can even be damaging to your health. According to researcher Charlotte Witvliet, PhD, “When people think about their offenders in unforgiving ways, they tend to experience stronger negative emotions and greater [physiological] stress responses…” (Fillon). Forgiveness will free up your mental space to focus on your own wellness, rather than harnessing negativity toward others.

2. De-clutter often.

What does holding onto material possessions really do for you? This may be a good question to ask yourself if you struggle with letting things go. Physical items do not fill voids; they temporarily cover them up. De-cluttering gives families space to think, play, and work. Furthermore, it contributes to living a more intentional life.

3. Eat healthy food, more often than not.

With a new year comes a clean slate to start again. This is a great resolution that anyone can implement because
it does not completely eradicate junk food, it simply limits it. Eating well contributes to a reduction in mental health disorders, heightened self esteem, renewed brain strength, and increased energy (Butler).

4. Put away your phone.

With so much technological distractions, it is becoming more difficult to be present with the people and places we are with. Putting away your phone will allow you to become more mindful of the situations you are in and it will contribute to more meaningful interactions.

5. Create a realistic exercise plan and follow it.

All too often we see people set lofty goals such as, “I will work out 7 days a week.” These goals are great for some people with particular personality types, but for others they are not manageable. Instead, think about a plan that you can incorporate and foresee sticking with. If it is hard to decide, consider combination exercises that you may enjoy. Example: weight training/running 3x a week and hiking 2x a month.

6. Attempt to understand, rather than judge.

Judgment hurts not only the person we are judging, but ourselves as well. Judgment creates negative space between people. If each person could take a second to reflect on why someone may make certain decisions, it is likely that we would live in a healthier and happier world. This year, make a conscious effort to try and understand the actions of others, before you place your judgments on them.

 

 

_{Butler, Alia. “Psychological Benefits of Eating Healthy.” Live Well. N.p., n.d.}

_{Fillon, Mike. “Holding a Grudge Can Be Bad for Your Health.” WebMD. WebMD, n.d. Web.}