I have been reflecting on the pandemic that we are all living in and the good that can come from pausing to take a closer look at our lives. Over the past few days, I have been taking notes on the things I want to take away from this time and following journal prompts on cultivating the life I want. This is glimpse of my story, a peak at the things that I want to bring forward.

Deeper Authenticity

I am a recovering people pleaser. By recovering, I mean my work is not done, it is never done. I will always want to default to what is easy, nice or the least confrontational path. People pleasing is sweet and kind on the receiving end, but it is not honest and it is full of bitter feelings for the pleaser. For a few years now, I have been practicing radical honesty and being more vocal about how I really feel. During this pandemic, I have had to set uncomfortable boundaries surrounding rejecting the social pressure to “just come over for a little bit” when social distancing is in place. I have had to say “no” when it would have been a lot easier to say yes. I have had to say compassionate but uncomfortable truths to people who have asked me direct questions that I really did not want to answer. Being authentic is about clarity, staying true to your values, and voicing your truth even if it hurts. Slowing down during this pandemic has helped me realize that leading with authenticity is always the right answer. I have been forced to slow down and reflect on every request, response or conversation coming my way. I want to carry that forward, the pause to choose the authentic response rather than the knee jerk reaction.

Authenticity is a continuum. It is an ongoing journey that we can all choose to take, not a destination that we suddenly arrive to.

Being Quiet and Valuing Rest

I have encouraged rest for years in therapy, but sitting here with sadness I can see that I have greatly undervalued it for myself. I reflect on all the days I have spent pushing, building, reaching for goals, pursuing, conquering and falling short only to get right back up again before I can even lick my wounds. I have blasted through life at a mind numbing speed. Luckily, I know why I have done this thanks to a personal therapist I worked with several years ago that practiced Internal Family Systems (a deeply powerful approach to therapy). Gravitating toward speed is a familiar habit that I have had for many years and it previously played an important role in my life, though it is no longer needed. I am deeply enjoying the rest that is right in front of me. I am thankful that I am forced to rest, be quiet and slow down. While I know cognitively that rest and quiet is essential, there is a long way to go before it is solidified as the baseline in my brain. Nonetheless, reiterating the value of rest is coming with me out of this pandemic.

Gratitude

I am grateful for so many things that I generally take for granted. For one, the ability to hug my family and friends. Goodness I miss that! Or how about the ability to play outside at the park without worry? Also the freedom of going to the grocery store without fear. Or how about the nurses, doctors, schools and countless businesses that I don’t typically think twice about? I thank God for this time so I can *see* what I have been missing. I want to hold onto the grateful heart that I feel right now.

Editing and Weeding and Rewriting

Everything needs to be ruthlessly edited. Right now is the perfect time to reflect on our lives and realign with our true desires. It is a time to restructure and “clean up.” I think of the following areas for myself:

Home- It is time to look at what is in my home currently and what we are allowing to come into our sacred space. It is time to cleanse and re-evaluate our needs as a family.

My Counseling Business- I am editing the process in which business is done and the systems being used. I am reassessing the core values and re-strengthening the need to hold onto the core elements of the practice at all costs.

People- I am looking at who I am giving conscious or subconscious power to over my own internal peace. Who is consuming my mind and who should not be? Who do I truly value and who am I letting impact my decisions that shouldn’t be? Who do I really want on my team in life? It is time to cleanse and edit who will remain in my inner circle and who will have to be cut out – kindly, graciously, but ultimately for the greater good.

Marriage- I am humbly working on taking more ownership for my part of the struggles. I am striving for greater compromise rather than “my way or the highway” thinking. I am loving deeper and being intentional every single day with the love I am planting.

Being a Mother- I am focusing on deeper presence with my daughter, more patience, vocalizing and apologizing for my faults when I am in the wrong. I want to allow time to follow my child’s pace rather than defaulting to the pace life has thrown at us.

This is an invitation to look at where you currently are in your life and change the script. What do you want to take with you after this pandemic is over? What are you going to leave behind? How did you grow or come into deeper clarity? I would encourage you to write or journal your responses. Writing is powerful and cathartic…I promise you will feel better once you do so.

Take care everyone,

 

 

 

 

-Written by Emily De La Torre, Licensed Mental Health Counselor in Vancouver, WA

 

 

We are in unique times with the current COVID-19 pandemic right now. As therapists, we are taking as much precaution as possible to flatten the curve and to keep you and our entire community safe. With that, we have transitioned to engaging in counseling sessions through “Telehealth online counseling” otherwise known as video counseling. This piece is to give you the low down on telehealth and to explain how online counseling can support you greatly through this pandemic – as well as all the other health and relational goals you would like to focus on.

What is Telehealth online counseling?

Telehealth online counseling involves using electronic communication to enable the therapists at Pax Family Counseling the ability to engage in counseling services virtually through either phone or video sessions. The use of Telehealth involves the following:

• Imaging of the client/s
• Live two-way audio and video

How do I do it? Do I need an app or a special program?

All you will need is a working device (ideally a computer or ipad). We then will send you a link to our “virtual office.” Simply click the link and we will meet you there at our scheduled appointment time.

Is it safe to do Online Counseling? Is it HIPAA compliant?

At Pax Family Counseling, we utilize HIPAA compliant software for our online counseling sessions. This means the platform we use includes protective measures to safeguard the data discussed during sessions and it ensures integrity against forms of corruption. Since there is such an abundance of people utilizing telehealth during the COVID-19 pandemic, some of the HIPAA compliant systems are not working appropriately. Due to this, there are new waivers federally in place for healthcare professionals that allow them to use systems that are not HIPAA compliant in order to ensure continual care in the case that a system may not be working. Some of these other systems include Zoom, Skype, Whatsapp and Facetime.

Can we do couples counseling through Telehealth Online Counseling?

Yes and we love doing it! Couples simply sit together in the video screen and we proceed as usual with our work.

Why should I engage in Telehealth Online Counseling?

• Being quarantined very quickly can bring out the systemic issues that we all face personally, in our marriages, and with our families. Engaging in telehealth online counseling ensures that you are being proactive in facing these issues and that you are not waiting until they become a much larger pain point to manage. Imagine tending to the cut now, rather than trying to treat an infection. Proactive measures work.
• Just because we cannot leave our homes at this time does not mean our mental health or marriage should be put on the back burner. With so much unknown amidst the COVID-19 crisis, now is the time to make sure we are mentally healthy and our relationships are in a solid place.
• Online counseling is comfortable. You can be in the comfort of your home and still see your therapist. It is highly efficient and super accessible.
• We all need support, especially right now. Yes, even your therapist’s see therapist’s! That is how much we believe in the power of working with a trained professional counselor when life gets tough. There is no shame in getting help, in fact in demonstrates a tremendous amount of self-awareness and intelligence to act when help is needed. Therapy not only benefits you, but everyone around you as well.

To set up your first Telehealth Online Counseling session, contact us today!

 

 

 

-Written by Emily De La Torre, Licensed Mental Health Counselor in Vancouver, WA

As the COVID-19 pandemic unleashes on the world, schools are closed, spring break travel plans are cancelled and consider yourself lucky if you have enough toilet paper to last through the week. These are strange and scary times for a lot of people and the situation is breeding grounds for anxiety issues to challenge the mental health of people everywhere. There is some comfort knowing that we are all in this together and I expect we’ll not just see the hoarders and price gaugers make headlines, but real compassion and generosity come from some outstanding people as well. 

But what about those who are shut in their homes or caring for the elderly or children and feel completely overwhelmed with how to handle this right now? While some therapy agencies are shutting their doors, many are not. And thankfully HIPAA-compliant telehealth counseling options are available in many places, including Pax Family Counseling. Outside of appealing to mental health professionals to guide you through this, there are some DIY therapy options available to everyone. And they all focus on one thing: locus of control.

There are a lot of things outside of our control right now: work, school, childcare, travel, empty shelves at the grocery store etc. Enough to make anyone feel a sense of panic. But to counter that, it’s important to really become the master of your own area of control. Recognize what outcomes can and can not be controlled by you and dedicate your energy to where it matters.

DIY Mental Health During the COVID-19 Crisis

First of all, breathe. No, seriously. Focus on breathing. The four-count (aka “box breathing”) method of breathing can literally calm your brain down. It is used by people who struggle with panic disorders and combat soldiers and everyone in between. The method is simple. Inhale through your nose to the count of four seconds, hold your breath for four seconds, exhale for the length of four seconds and then hold that empty lung space for four seconds. Repeat two or three times. Use this whenever you feel your chest constricted or heart beating too fast with anxiety, as needed.

After this, make a mental or written list of the things you can control. Most people can control how kind they are, how patient they are, how they respond to bad news, how healthy they eat, how much they exercise, what they read, watch and think about. You can control who your friends are. You can control your spiritual life. How you spend your money. The arrangement of your living room furniture, learning a new musical instrument or how to watercolor paint. You can control how you clean your house, the decision to start a vegetable garden or finally print all the photos on your phone and organize them. Whether you want to reconcile with a lover or adopt a cat. Take time for a bubble bath or stomp in mud puddles, singing old Paula Abdul songs just to make your bored, homebound children laugh at you. 

Life is precious. And right now it can be paralyzing to think of everything that is happening and ways we feel stuck in a frightening situation. Take time to pause, breathe: 1, 2, 3, 4… and enjoy the domains of your life where you do get to be fully and freely yourself. 

 

Written by: Elizabeth Peck, a Clinical Mental Health Counseling Candidate at the University of the Cumberlands and a support assistant to Pax Family Counseling.

If we talked with adults the way that we talk with children many of us would feel disrespected. Most people have said phrases or heard phrases said to kids that just don’t feel right. Many common interactions adults have with children are well-meaning and innocent, but in fact are actually quite harmful.  If we want children to respect us, we need to respect them.

Three Innocent Things Adults Do to Kids That Are Harmful:

 

1. Telling white lies to get children to comply.

“If you don’t behave, the police are going to come.”

“If you do ____, we can go to Disneyland later today.”

“I will give you a new puppy if you _______.”

Dramatic, yes, but you get the point. There are thousands of ways white lies are conveyed to kids in order to get them to comply with what we want. These lies while usually innocent, are actually harmful and aid in the belief that the adults in a child’s life are untrustworthy. Many of these lies are done to instill fear (the police example) which creates anxiety and a lack of safety for the child. While you may get the initial compliance desired in a child’s behavior with these lies, you put the child’s sense of self at risk. Fear/anxiety, lack of trust, insecurity, and trauma are just too big of trades to make for behavioral compliance.

Better phrases:

“I know, it is hard to leave the park, I will give you 5 more minutes then it is time to go.” (then follow through).

“Once you pick up the toys we can go to the movie. If you do not pick up the toys we won’t have time to watch the movie today.” (follow through)

 

2. Brushing away or minimizing pain.

“Oh, it didn’t hurt. You are fine!”

“You are not sad, come on. It’s okay.”

“Stop crying, that’s enough.”

How would you feel if someone said this to you as an adult? Probably pretty minimized in your feelings and disrespected! It is the same with children, if we fail to acknowledge their true feelings we are saying “what you feel is not real or valid.” The statements we say surrounding minimizing pain contribute to emotional stuffing and repressed feelings later in life. Children literally learn, “what I feel is not right, therefore I won’t feel it.” If we want children to develop healthy ways to regulate emotions, we need to acknowledge the truth of what they feel…even if it is inconvenient or you want to minimize their pain. If a child is hurting, acknowledge they are hurting.

Better phrases:

“Ow! That hurt! Can I give you a hug?”

“Yes, you bumped your head and that doesn’t feel good.”

“I am right here, I know you are sad and I am right here with you.”

 

3. Bribing them for love.

“I will give you a candy if you hug me.”

“I will buy you this toy if you cuddle with me.”

“If you don’t sit with me you can’t have your doll back.”

How does it feel to read those statements? Pretty unsettling? Maybe manipulative or yucky? Sure, they are often said in a lighthearted way, but the meaning behind them is real. Children should never be bribed to love you, your friend, their uncle, anybody. They should be free to have their own feelings and grow up in an environment where their wishes around expressing love are respected and honored. Shaming a child for making a choice you don’t like around who they express their affection to is very harmful. It teaches them that love is to be bought, its conditional, and it’s a game.

Better phrases:

“No hug? Okay, looks like you don’t want to do that right now.”

“Sometimes you don’t want to say ‘I love you’, that is fine.”

“I will still love you even if you choose not to kiss me today.”

Children thrive in environments where they are respected and treated with regard. Let’s strive to give them the best shot in this world.

“Instead of raising children who turn out okay despite their childhood, let’s raise children who turn out extraordinary because of their childhood.” – L.R. Knost

 

 

 

 

-Written by Emily De La Torre, Licensed Mental Health Counselor in Vancouver, WA

Experts say that couples wait an average of six years after issues begin to start marriage counseling. That’s six years of life that could’ve been more fulfilling, pleasurable and meaningful! Part of the problem is that the majority of couples who seek therapy do so because they are in a crisis or near-crisis situation: abuse, infidelity, separation etc. And even then, when divorce is on the table, one or both spouses may simply be going through the motions of counseling just to be able to say, “We tried counseling; it didn’t work” even though they’ve already mentally checked out of the marriage. Much of this could be offset if people were made aware of all the other reasons why couples counseling might be warranted.

Starting at the very beginning, there is about a 30% increase in marital success rates among couples who go through some sort of premarital counseling prior to the wedding. This is a full 30% increase of beating the odds! Proactively working out ahead of time some of the unforeseen situations that may come up is tremendously helpful in having a happy and functional marriage. It’s like having the blueprints of a success tucked in your back pocket along with a disaster aversion plan. But without this mutual understanding of the relationship, couples are often left trying to figure things out as they go and just hope that the walls hold up during the inevitable storms or attacks. And we know that sadly, they often don’t.

In addition to this, marriage counseling can be an excellent tool for rekindling the pure friendship that feels lost in many marriages. You don’t have to be screaming or stonewalling in order to go to counseling; it could simply be a matter of failing to thrive in a way that is satisfying. Life is too short to be going through the motions as “married singles.” Finding a skilled marriage counselor who can assist couples in reconnecting their friendship and intimacy very often saves folks thousands of dollars in therapy and/or divorce later.

One of the other areas where counseling would be strongly indicated is with coparenting and blended families. After a divorce, the parameters of parenting change and the transitions involved with single-parenting or with a new partner can be really stressful to go through! While it seems counterintuitive for post-divorce couples to go into counseling, those who are really committed to the welfare of their children often do so. And the professional help they get in establishing boundaries and routines for their childrens’ sake can be a wonderful aid in healthy living for all parties involved. When a step-parent enters the picture, the need for this is even greater as each person in the family transitions through different expectations and roles.

Lastly there are a host of other things that often get overlooked when couples assess their marriages: finances, job changes, passion, extended family, fertility or other health issues etc. Suffice it to say, marriage counseling shouldn’t be a last resort option for couples who are going through a hard time. It is far more simple and cost-effective to do preventative maintenance on a relationship than to work on a major repair.

Are you curious to learn more about marriage counseling? If so, take a look at the following pieces:

The Inside Scoop on Couples Counseling-Myths and Truths

The #1 Root Cause for Divorce

10 Ways to Improve Your Relationship Today

Written by: Elizabeth Peck, a Clinical Mental Health Counseling Candidate at the University of the Cumberlands and a support assistant to Pax Family Counseling.

 

Over 10 million Americans suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder each year. The low, blue feelings that typically hit in late fall and last all through winter can be a painful experience for so many people. Unfortunately there’s some common misconceptions floating around in cyber-world out there and it’s important to get a proper understanding of SAD so as to better cope with it or help your loved ones cope with it when it hits. There are several high quality sources for information on the internet about it beyond Wikipedia. I recommend getting a broad overview from The National Institute of Mental Health where you can find information about risk factors and causes of this type of depression. Here we just want to offer some further thoughts on managing SAD if it’s affecting you or someone you love:

-People suffering from clinical depression can’t just “get over it” or “snap out of it” the way non-depressed people sometimes think they can. Some holes are too dark or too deep to pull ourselves out of by ourselves and it can be hurtful to have others get frustrated or annoyed while we’re down there. Compassion and patience are the best things you can offer someone suffering from any type of depression. That said, passivity is not the answer here either. Vitamins should be checked. Full spectrum lighting options looked at, psychotherapy considered and empathy abundant. 

-The importance of exercise can not be stated enough when it comes to SAD. Unfortunately, when the weather gets cold, people very often shut down the motivation to go outside and move their bodies. But this time of year, it is more critical than ever to prioritize physical activity. Either bundle up and go for a brisk walk, invest in a gym membership, watch some at-home workout videos or do anything else possible to get your body moving, heart rate up and sweat happening. Committing to daily exercise is the single best thing you can do to combat depression. 

-Recently we’ve been seeing a widespread appreciation and globalization of the Nordic “hygge” lifestyle (i.e. hunkering down with cozy blankets, hot beverages and close family/friends), and some people think this is the answer to SAD. After all, depression rates for people in those northern countries are very low. But not everyone has a particularly inviting domestic life. Whether it’s family conflict, disorder or clutter in the home, or simply a lack of time, we can’t always “hygge”-away SAD. What we can do however, is carve out tiny pieces of peace, no matter our circumstances.  If your house doesn’t look like a KonMari ad, don’t compound guilt upon your stress. Baby steps. Clear one countertop, spread a tablecloth or bring in some fresh winter branches to liven up the space. Wait until the last child finally pipes down his resistance about going to bed and make a pot of tea, cradle it in your hands and just spend 10 minutes breathing and being in that space. No electronics. No scrolling. Just feel the space around you and savor what sensations you can.

Seasonal Affective Disorder is common and it’s a struggle. But being proactive about managing it, and making sure you identify it as a thing you need to deal with and NOT a summary of who you are can help set you on the right path to having a healthy winter. 

To learn more about depression, check out the following:

Signs of Depression You Shouldn’t Ignore

 

Written by: Elizabeth Peck, a Clinical Mental Health Counseling Candidate at the University of the Cumberlands and a support assistant to Pax Family Counseling.

No healthy person enjoys disappointing, hurting, or angering others… particularly those with whom we are close. It feels wrong to intentionally cause displeasure in another. It especially feels wrong if you have a history of people-pleasing.  So what gives with the title of this article?! Let me explain.

In order to understand why it’s okay to hurt people, we need to talk about boundaries. Being a healthy and self-respecting individual requires boundaries. There’s no getting around it. Now, while “boundaries” is a buzzword all over the pop-psychology world, there is something here that is misunderstood all too often. Boundaries are not for other people. They are for ourselves.

Boundaries aren’t things we put up to punish others, to retaliate against bad behavior: “You’re not allowed to call me anymore!” Or “You can’t call me names anymore!” This is an important distinction for two reasons: first of all, you probably won’t be able to control what another person will and won’t do anyway. Especially, if you are dealing with toxic or abusive people, trying to impose restrictions on them will likely not work and may even backfire. The second reason it’s important to remember that boundaries aren’t for other people is because this isn’t about them. This is about you. Your life is about how you choose to write your own story, make your own meaning and live your best self. So if you need someone to stop calling you in order to have peace in your life, you block them. Not to make them mad, but for your peace. If you don’t want to be insulted, you remove yourself from the situation or put safety measures in place (e.g. only meeting when there is a 3rd party present etc.) if that’s not possible. 

If you are being run ragged helping someone who refuses to take responsibility for their own life, a boundary would be saying No. No, I can’t do childcare for you this week. No, I can’t cover your work shift. No, I can’t loan you $100. No, I can’t volunteer to help this group. No, I won’t stay up until midnight. Etc. Of course, it is good to do favors for others in need, to forgive, and to live selflessly when you are able and to a certain degree. Living to serve others makes for an incredibly fulfilling and meaningful life. Generosity to others in real need is a beautiful, personal quality to have! But there has to be boundaries and self-respect in place in order for this to be properly ordered.

Sensing a pattern of disrespect or irresponsibility in another will give you a clue that it may be time to stop enabling them, out of respect for yourself and out of true love for them! But be prepared that when you say no, or establish boundaries, the other person might be angry, offended, hurt or disappointed. And this is okay. Allow them to feel those uncomfortable feelings. If you rush right in to smooth things over, apologize, and backpedal, not only will you be stuck in the vicious cycle of people-pleasing and resentment, but the opportunity for the other person’s growth is lost. Personal growth happens through stress, discomfort, pain and anger, not through sunshine, easy days and someone serving us pina coladas. If you can model healthy self-respect (respect for your body, your emotions, your money and your time), you will provide the courage others need to take ownership of their own well-being too.

For more on boundaries, check out the following:

Three Boundary Lessons for Children

People Pleasing, Burnout and Boundaries

Written by: Elizabeth Peck, a Clinical Mental Health Counseling Candidate at the University of the Cumberlands and a support assistant to Pax Family Counseling.

Back to school is in full swing and parents are feeling the frenzy of orientations, appointments, open house nights, supply shopping and making sure they post the sweetly captioned pictures of shiny, happy children—lunch boxes in hand—all over our favorite social media outlets.

This is one of those times of the year that I think we are all prone to a little bit of self-doubt:

• Did we do enough fun family vacations?
• Did we practice enough math problems to catch up?
• Did we even make a dent in that summer bucket list?
• Will the other moms judge me if I send my kids to public school?
• Will the other moms judge me if I homeschool?
• Will I be judged based off what we pack for lunch?
• Am I enough?
• Am I okay?
• Am I worthy?

Self doubt begins creeping in as slowly as the early autumn fog settles into the season. And it can lead to a lot of depression, anxiety and/or shame based thinking. And I’m here to tell you to watch for it! These negative feelings taunt us and try to shake our confidence and wear us down. And a lot of time, for a lot of people, it’s successful. As a general rule, we do a whole lot more listening to the negative self-talk than we do speaking to ourselves. And this is one area where “listening” isn’t exactly a virtue. Any old person can listen to their own criticism. But those who really want to be healthy and whole?! They practice an honest assessment of who they are. Instead of counting all the things they didn’t do this summer or all the chaos behind the happy, shiny pictures, count the things you did and the things that went right.  Instead of listening to the tired old record player of your failures and shortcomings, dust yourself off and count your wins, your skills, accomplishments and positive qualities. Write them down! Don’t be afraid of sounding pompous or arrogant. This is just for you (unless you want to share it with your loved one, a friend or a therapist!). 

Celebrating yourself isn’t just for people who turn a blind eye to the negative things in life. You probably already know most of your weaknesses and screw ups. So what? We all have them. Acknowledge them, resolve to work on them, and then move along because those don’t define you. But when all the self-doubt comes this time of year rattling your bones and disturbing your peace, stand up and defend yourself. Read through the list of things that went well, things that you’re proud of. And at the end of the day, sign your name to both your foibles and your merits with a broad stroke. 

Say: “I am just one human being doing the best I can in a hard and unforgiving world.” And that’s enough.

 

Written by: Elizabeth Peck, a Clinical Mental Health Counseling Candidate at the University of the Cumberlands and a support assistant to Pax Family Counseling.