Sunday is Father’s Day and if you’ve already done the handprint-on-a-baseball thing, or the homemade-remote-control-caddy thing, kudos! A little homegrown love and crafting is always a good start! In addition to that, I’d add a few other gifts that would really go a long way to making the father in your life shine the way he does best:

Praise

The very simple act of offering praise can help avoid disagreements, build up esteem, and reinforce positive behaviors. Instead of criticizing your partner for the 20 year old sweatpants he’s wearing, the task he’s avoiding, the time spent glued to his phone or any other item on the whole laundry list of flaws we all have— shift gears and double up on the praise instead: “You look amazing when you wear those [other, non-jersey knit] pants.”  “You did such a fantastic job with dinner tonight!” “Thank you for fixing the leak, I feel lucky to be married to you!”  “Thank you so much for the time and attention you gave the kids after work today. I know you had a long day and probably had no energy for that but I’m so grateful for your priorities!”  You get the idea. The key with praise is to be specific and be genuine. We all respond better to positive reinforcement than to negative criticism and fathers are no exception. Lastly, if you get the chance to praise him in public, do so! And often.

Respect

I once read in a psychology text that men need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved. Whoa! While this may not be true for all men, I sense there is a lot of truth to this proposition and it can help us to shape our behavior. A lack of respect can look like this: undermining his discipline with the children, having a habit of interrupting while he’s speaking or not listening while he’s speaking, being emotionally manipulative by withholding affection to gain what you want, giving him a guilt trip for wanting his own personal time/space/hobbies, making cutting or sarcastic jokes about him in public, and making no effort to at least try to correct personal idiosyncrasies that bother him (Would it really be that hard to put the milk on the left side of the fridge, even if you think it’s silly?!). Respect, on the other hand, looks like the opposite of all these things.

A Soft Place to Fall

Fathers don’t have it easy these days. On the one hand, some can go overboard with “toxic masculinity.” On the other hand, they can be criticized for being too passive or “soft” with their families. It’s not easy being a man, let alone a father!  One thing that may help is if these fathers knew that their authoritative stance was valued and needed… but that they weren’t expected to save Gotham City in a cape. The fathers in our lives need to know that it’s okay to be human. That they will sometimes stumble, sometimes cry and sometimes fail, but that you as a partner will be right there by his side accepting and loving him through it all. Many men want to be and are capable of being strong and brave most of the time. But the gift of your strength and steadfastness will be a precious one for him to rely on, when he is confronted with a dragon that he can’t immediately slay.

This Father’s Day, let the man in your life know that he is a rockstar and you will love and respect him through thick and thin.

Written by: Elizabeth Peck, a Clinical Mental Health Counseling Candidate at the University of the Cumberlands and a support assistant to Pax Family Counseling.

In 2018 my husband and I welcomed our first child, Lucia. I have worked with families and children for over 10 years in professional settings, though having a child of my own has definitely put a new spin on things. I believe the education provided throughout my Bachelors degree, Masters degree and years of working with families would qualify as the gold standard for “formal experience.” This educational path has equipped me for many “to be expected” moments and has expanded my self awareness so I could proceed consciously as a parent. Though, life hand and hand with a little one has also brought some nuanced moments that I only became educated on once I was “in the game.”

1. New moms get forgotten.

They do. Once the new baby gooey sprinkles and joy wear off for the community, people tend to forget about mama and the new life she is adjusting to. It is sad to write and truly even more depressing to experience, but new moms often get left behind. We don’t live in villages anymore where people are present and ready to support. We have to create support networks and ask for help, which is terribly difficult. Furthermore, since we now “catch up with friends” on social media, new moms are often left feeling lonely and under supported…watching everyones life go by via Instagram and Facebook. New moms need help. A lot of it! Eventually, you do get into the swing of things, find your people and get by…but the beginning can be awfully tough.

2. The relationship with your partner will likely suffer for awhile.

Couple life is one thing. Couple life with kids is a whole different ball game. This is where your role not only as a partner matters, but now you have to learn a whole new role as a parent. Life no longer revolves around you two nor is it met with the previous ease that you may have once taken for granted, like last minute date plans. Moreover, new parents are sleep deprived. It is hard for anyone to be their best self while running off of no sleep for 1 day, but as a parent this likely lasts for (at least) months on end. Staying connected with your partner can be difficult because you now have someone else that demands your attention 24/7. This inevitably can result in feeling a lack of love, which can lead to some hurtful arguments, raw experiences and painful ways of interacting. Until you get into the flow of your new roles and find your secure connection once again, it can be a tough battle to stay connected when you first welcome a child.

3. The joy you experience looking at your child is unprecedented.

Honestly, before I had my daughter I thought I really loved my dog. I looked at him like, “How could I ever love anything more than you?!” This is not a joke! I adored our pup. Needless to say, the feelings I had for our dog are the equivalent to chopped liver compared to the joy and love I hold for our daughter. The amount of pure elation, sweetness and love I have felt could never be expressed in words. We always hear about a mother’s love…but to feel it in your heart and bones is such an incredible gift.

I am proud to say I wrote this during a surprise extra 30 minutes during nap time today…and as a mom of a busy toddler, I have found that the happiness that can come from an extra long nap is priceless.

Happy Mother’s Day weekend everyone!

-Written by Emily De La Torre, Licensed Mental Health Counselor in Vancouver, WA

In a world that will throw lots of difficult challenges and people their way, parents have to do what they can to prepare their children to be ready for what comes. Sadly, we can not entirely protect our children from manipulators, predatory relationships or controlling people. However, we can prepare them with tools on how to handle themselves in such a way that they are less likely to be victimized by others.

Here are three ways to empower your child:

1. Allow them to withhold affection without being punished.

So often children are forced to give Aunt Sally a hug and a kiss when they see her… and sometimes they don’t want to. This is okay! Pressuring a child to offer signs of affection will weaken their self-confidence in being able to tell others “No” when they really need to. Similarly, if you ask your three year old for a hug and he refuses, coyly or not, don’t play the game of crossing your arms and having hurt feelings. This gives the same message that a child will be emotionally punished if they don’t give in to your wishes. All affection whether age 3, 23 or 93 should be freely given and freely received. There should be no form of emotional blackmail on signs of love.

2. Allow them to speak freely about their anger or sadness without trying to fix them or cheer them up right away.

By proactively teaching our children that it is okay to experience the range of human emotions, and that it is good and healthy to express those emotions (within reason of course), they learn that healthy relationships do not involve bottling up feelings or dismissing their emotions because they make other people uncomfortable. Don’t say things like “You have no reason to feel this way!” Even worse is to suggest “It hurts me when you’re sad.”  This will teach the child that they are responsible for YOUR feelings and begin a very difficult pattern for their future. They are not responsible for your feelings. Do not sigh. Do not roll your eyes. Do not change the subject until they are ready. Simply be there. And be present with them in to validate their pain. This will form a proper expectation of what healthy interpersonal relationships look like.

3. The word No is a two-way lesson.

It’s so important for children to feel the control of the “No” they state… even a toddler. This gives them the autonomy they need to make independent decisions and protect them from abusers in their life. However, it’s also important for parents to make sure children understand the implications of the word No when it’s said in a defiant or disobedient way. But this doesn’t look like the hard “If you don’t obey me, you’re grounded for a month!”  It’s simply handing the power calmly back to the child: “You can choose not to obey me. However, if you do so, you’re also giving up your friend’s birthday party this weekend.” Etc. The critical part is to stick to the consequences, don’t backpedal in the fit of pleading tears from a misbehaving child. Staying consistent is true love. And learning that “No” sometimes has consequences is a lesson better learned from the parents than from the police or court system later on.

Written by: Elizabeth Peck, a Clinical Mental Health Counseling Candidate at the University of the Cumberlands and a support assistant to Pax Family Counseling.

This piece of work was a little different than our usual blogs. This time, YOU have spoken! Several people responded to the inquiry, “What is the best piece of marriage advice you have ever received?” The responses were heartwarming, humorous, honest and endearing! I want to thank each person and couple who shared their own personal experiences and their best tips to create a happy and healthy relationship. With that, please enjoy this beautiful list of timeless advice.

Top 50- Best Marriage Advice!

1. Make time for each other and make laughter the soundtrack of your marriage. –Mint L.
2. Don’t let the sun go down on your anger. –Lynn B.
3. Just do the dishes. –Donald M.
4. Plan getaway weekends, at least 1-2x per year – Madeleine P.
5. Do the small silly things that your partner liked before you were married. –Gene C.
6. Be gentle and thoughtful. You have no idea how long something you say can stay in someone’s mind. –Elyse M.
7. Set aside time for the two of you at least once a week. Even if it’s just sipping tea and chatting. Just have a conversation with each other with undivided attention! –Preseda S.
8. Take moments, even multiple times a day to get on the same page- share short term and long term goals, thoughts, feelings, anxieties, etc. – Kaeleen K.
9. Treat each other like you are still trying to win each other. – Valentina R.
10. Never stop dating your spouse! – Emily L.
11. Give 80 expect 20. – Ray B.
12. Don’t put your marriage on hold when raising your kids. –Mint L.
13. Go to church together. – Marty C.
14. Have respect, friendship, laughter, honesty and be yourself. –Marianna D.
15. You can be right or you can be connected. – Jasmine C.
16. Choose each other every day. And if you’re disagreeing or in an argument at the end at least tell each other that you love each other or at least choose each other. –Melissa S.
17. Happy wife happy life. – Jeff M.
18. Equality in a marriage is not fixed; it is negotiated. -Hank S.
19. Have ownership for oneself and have compassionate understanding of the other. – Rick J.
20. Assume grace. -Talia
21. Forget About Me. I Love You. (Family) -Tom H.
22. Develop a code word to help you to stop and talk when you are agitated. A code word can clear up any issues before it becomes a fight. -Kaeleen K.
23. Reserve 10% of giving energy and effort for yourself. Respect that 10% for your spouse to have as well. – Irene H.
24. Make up before going to asleep. -Bahar J.
25. If you see something that needs to be done, do it. –Claire J.
26. One of the best thing you can do for your marriage is just listen. You don’t have to agree or like it, but by listening to your partner you are showing respect. –Kanesha K.
27. Have patience, get comfortable compromising and love with humility. – Gaston D.
28. Always be kind to each other! –Mani B.
29. Don’t try to change the other. –Marianna D.
30. You don’t want to be to codependent or too independent but a good balance of interdependent. -John C.
31. When you disagree consider the other person’s perspective as if they are 100% right. We may not agree, but it budges us out of our own mindset towards compromise and it softens the heart quite a bit too. Then we’re more open to finding common ground. -Diane B.
32. Remove breaking up as an option – it stunts problem-solving in a relationship. -Robert N.
33. Never lie. –Pat H.
34. Develop a plan on 3 outlets you can utilize when problems arise in your marriage. It could be confiding in a trusted couple, speaking with a pastor, an agreement to go to counseling etc. Just agree on 3 things and when the time arises in moments of pain, you both know what to do. –Emily D.
35. Open communication is key in ANY relationship. – Jessica S.
36. Just as with parenting there is no perfect marriage. Once a couple can let go of expectations, give in to the experience and be in it wholeheartedly, there is a sense of freedom. -Heather N.
37. Learn to truly appreciate all the things your partner does – the big and little. –Teresa S.
38. Remind yourself often how lucky you are, basically the count your blessings rule. –Gene C.
39. They can’t read your mind! If you need/want/expect anything, talk about it. You have no right to get mad or frustrated for expecting your spouse to automatically know anything. -Claire J.
40. Never assume that your marriage is so good they you’d never get a divorce. As soon as you do, you no longer watch for things that could break your marriage down. –April T.
41. Marriage is a commitment you make again and again, every, single, day. -Edie L.
42. Never speak badly about your spouse to others. -Mani B.
43. Be your spouses biggest fan. -Emily D.
44. Imagine your relationship like a joint checking account. Being nice to each other is considered a deposit in your account. Bad words, bad actions, fights etc are considered withdrawals. When the account goes in the red then the relationship is in likely to end. The trick is keeping the account in the black. – Bryan A.
45. Always kiss goodbye. –Charly C.
46. Make time for your sexual relationship even when you are tired. –Anne S.
47. Never ever ever hold a grudge. -Gene C
48. Live within your means. Even more practical: live on one salary. It sounds hard, and it can be- especially in a world that says possessions equal happiness. But it set couples up for great things by being able to save for travel, continue their education, stay home to raise children and so on. –Caitlin E.
49. Forgive easily! -Sara N.
50. And finally…marriage is 50/50 with lots of love and consideration. It worked 60 years for me. -Bill M.

For more helpful couples stuff, see the following links!

32 Questions for Couples that Promote Closeness

31 Empathetic Statements that Show You Care

*Marriage Counseling in Vancouver, WA

What better way to start a new year than to get inspired? Here is a list of some amazing quotes to start the new year off right. We all could use a little inspiration here and there! Whether you are shifting your mindset, participating in resolutions, setting goals, creating themes, or you are simply just ready for a change…this list is for you.

Enjoy!

“The object of a New Year is not that we should have a new year. It is that we should have a new soul and a new nose; new feet, a new backbone, new ears, and new eyes.”
― G.K. Chesterton

“What the new year brings to you will depend a great deal on what you bring to the new year.” — Vern McLellan

“For last year’s words belong to last year’s language and next year’s words await another voice.”
― T.S. Eliot

“Be at war with your vices, at peace with your neighbors, and let every new year find you a better man.”
― Benjamin Franklin

“Any new beginning is forged from the shards of the past, not from the abandonment of the past.”
― Craig D. Lounsbrough

“Cheers to a new year and another chance for us to get it right.”
— Oprah Winfrey

“One resolution I have made, and try always to keep, is this — To rise above the little things.”
— John Burroughs

“Write it on your heart that every day is the best day in the year.”
— Ralph Waldo Emerson

“This year, be structured enough for success and achievement and flexible enough for creativity and fun.”
— Taylor Duvall

“The road ahead is not some predetermined path that I am forced to trod, but it is a rich byway that I can help create.” – Craig D. Lounsbrough

“New Year’s Day. A fresh start. A new chapter in life waiting to be written. New questions to be asked, embraced, and loved. Answers to be discovered and then lived in this transformative year of delight and self-discovery. Today carve out a quiet interlude for yourself in which to dream, pen in hand. Only dreams give birth to change.”
-Sarah Ban Breathnach

“The only person you are destined to become is the person you decide to be.”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

“If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude.”
-Maya Angelou

“Always bear in mind that your own resolution to succeed is more important than any other.”
-Abraham Lincoln

“New Year—a new chapter, new verse, or just the same old story? Ultimately we write it. The choice is ours.”  –Alex Morritt

“Celebrate what you want to see more of.”
-Tom Peters

“Take a leap of faith and begin this wondrous new year by believing.”
-Sarah Ban Breathnach

“The bad news is time flies. The good news is you’re the pilot.”
— Michael Altshuler

“We spend January 1 walking through our lives, room by room, drawing up a list of work to be done, cracks to be patched. Maybe this year, to balance the list, we ought to walk through the rooms of our lives…not looking for flaws, but for potential.”
— Ellen Goodman

For more ways to get inspired, check out 11 Affirmations to Get Your Power Back!

-Written by Emily De La Torre, LMHC

A few weeks ago I was providing a training for a business in Vancouver, WA on  “Exercising Emotional Intelligence in Sales.” During the presentation we went over the importance of tapping into emotional intelligence (EQ) and how people who have high EQ consistently see better results in business and in sales.

In fact, current research is now showing that when it comes to excelling in business, EQ is more important than IQ and previous work experience.

The four main components of emotional intelligence:

1. Self Awareness

2. Self Management

3. Social Awareness

4. Relationship Management

During the presentation, I focused heavily on two areas of EQ, Self Awareness and Relationship Management. After the training, I was asked if there were any quick resources for gaining a deeper sense of self awareness. Unfortunately, I couldn’t think of any tangible guides! This brought me to the idea of creating a post on deepening self awareness. The questions below are designed to provoke contemplation and to help each of us dive deeper into building a stronger sense of self awareness.

*Note* These questions are not easy. They may bring up feelings of discomfort and you may need time to process through your findings after you finish this exercise.  Just remember discomfort is natural in self discovery and in growth.

Instructions:

Take some time while going through these questions. You may find writing or journaling your answers to be a productive way to process through your responses. To deepen this experience, share with your partner or a close friend and see if they have anything to add that may help you on your journey to developing more self awareness.

Good luck!

6 Ways to Improve Your Self Awareness

1. Honestly acknowledge criticism. Look at the criticism you have received, contemplate on these remarks and ask yourself if any of this could be true. Our initial reaction is usually to deny the negative things that are said about us, however these statements can lead us down deeper paths of understanding. Rumi once said, “If you are irritated by every rub, how will your mirror be polished?” Take criticism as an opportunity to look inside.

2. Ask for feedback. While it is tempting to want to hear only the positives, it is imperative to hear the potential negatives as well. Ask for feedback from your boss, business partner, employees and/or anyone you have interfaced with on a professional level. Get in there and find out the true nitty gritty details. This is hard, humbling and a very effective way to help uncover our blind spots.

3. Check in about your triggers. What things bother you? Where did these triggers come from? What have you done to work on these aspects? Noticing our triggers is a way to take blame off of others and to turn inward to uncover our sensitivities.

4. Look at your defenses. What do you do when you are uncomfortable? Do you use humor, blame, anger etc? Where did these come from and what purpose do they serve for you? Defenses protect us. However, when we can recognize our defenses rather than simply engaging in them subconsciously we can gain more self awareness.

5. Recognize your vices.What are your vices? How and when did they come into play in your life? What are you avoiding by holding onto your vices? What are you doing to overcome these? Vices start as a means to find something out there that will make us feel better than how we feel on the inside. Unfortunately, then they can turn into addictions. 

6. Take a look at the past. What strong beliefs, views or experiences did you encounter in your family of origin? How have these shaped you today? Are there any biases or stereotypes you subscribe to due to your upbringing? This is a big one. An honest look in the past can be sobering. All of us have been influenced by our past, knowing how your past has effected you will help you gain more present day awareness.

For more on deepening who you are, check out The Importance of Authenticity.

“Owning our story can be hard, but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it.” – Brene Brown

-Written by Emily De La Torre, Licensed Mental Health Counselor in Vancouver, WA

School started today for my teens. The start of a new school year can bring excitement, reuniting with friends, and a return to schedule. For many teens, the start of school may also come with stress as they anticipate the social and educational demands of school.

Between being always connected, extra-curricular activities, and increased choices in education, teens today have a lot of demands on them. Here are four ways to support your teen as they head back to school this year:

Sleep

Sleep is important for mental, physical, and emotional health. In Dr. Jean Twenge’s book, iGen, she cites research which shows that lack of sleep can lead to increased risk of unhappiness in teens. A good night’s sleep improves concentration, productivity, and memory. As your teen moves into a new school year, help them develop good sleep hygiene habits. This includes no phones, TVs, or electronic devices in their rooms and developing a good sleep schedule where they go to sleep and wake up at relatively the same time each day. Keeping the bedroom and their bed as the place to sleep and not the place to do homework can also improve sleep hygiene.

Meals

As we all know, our bodies need food to survive. We also know that a lot of teens aren’t consistent in eating well-rounded nutritious meals. Making family dinner time a consistent event in your home is a great way to support your teen this school year. Research shows a positive association between the frequency of family dinners and teen success in school. According to this research, teens who eat dinner with family five to seven times a week were twice as likely to earn A’s in school than those who eat dinner with their family less than twice a week. As an added bonus, teens who eat dinner with their families tend to eat more fruits and vegetables and drink less soda than teens who don’t.

Disconnecting

Encouraging (or requiring) your teen to disconnect from their phones and electronic devices for a specified time period each day is good for their mental health. In her book, iGen, Dr. Jean Twenge reports that 8^th graders who spend 10 or more hours a week on social media are 56% more likely to be unhappy than those who don’t. Constant connection to social media and their social circles increases teens feelings of missing out (FOMO) leading to a misconception of what other’s lives look like compared to theirs. Phones and electronic devices are a distraction to your teen’s concentration and productivity on homework as well.

Listening

As our children grow and develop into teens, they need our time and attention as much as they did when they were little – no matter what they tell you to refute that! One of the biggest ways we can support our teens is to put down our own phones and other distractions and be present and listen. Most teens are willing to communicate, and often do it in subtle ways. Family meals, encouraging our teens to come out of their rooms, and disconnecting from our devices and encouraging them to disconnect from theirs are all ways to create opportunity to listen to our teens. They usually have a lot to tell us if we’re willing to be present with them and be curious about their experience.

-Written by Heather Pace, LMHCA