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51 Quotes for the Anxious Heart

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Quotes have a way of connecting to our heart and soul. Let these quotes guide you, inspire you and remind you of your inherent worthiness in times of stress and anxiety.

  1. “Within you, there is a stillness and a sanctuary to which you can retreat at any time and be yourself.” -Hermann Hesse
  2.  “Today’s a perfect day for a whole new start. Let go of fear and free your mind. It’s time to open your heart.” -Chris Butler
  3. “Every time you are tempted to react in the same old way, ask if you want to be a prisoner of the past or a pioneer of the future.” -Deepak Chopra
  4. “We must have a pie. Stress cannot exist in the presence of a pie.” -David Mamet
  5. “Believe in yourself and all that you are. Know that there is something inside of you that is greater than any obstacle.” -Christian D Larson
  6. “While fear depletes power, faith gives wings for the soul’s elevation.” -T.F. Hodge
  7. “The greatest weapon against stress is our ability to choose one thought over another.”  -William James
  8. “Smile, breathe, and go slowly.” -Thich Nhat Hanh
  9. “There must be quite a few things that a hot bath won’t cure, but I don’t know many of them.” -Sylvia Plath
  10. “Do what you can, with what you’ve got, where you are.” -Theodore Roosevelt
  11. “Good humor is a tonic for mind and body. It is the best antidote for anxiety and depression. It is a business asset. It attracts and keeps friends. It lightens human burdens. It is the direct route to serenity and contentment.” -Grenville Kleiser
  12. “I just give myself permission to suck. I find this hugely liberating.” -John Green
  13. “You have a treasure within you that is infinitely greater than anything the world can offer.” -Eckhart Tolle
  14. “What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.” -Henry S. Haskins
  15. “Difficult roads often lead to beautiful destinations. The best is yet to come.” -Zig Ziglar
  16. “Feelings come and go like clouds in a windy sky. Conscious breathing is my anchor.” -Thich Nhat Hanh
  17. “Nothing in the affairs of men is worthy of great anxiety.” -Plato
  18. “When anxious, uneasy and bad thoughts come, I go to the sea, and the sea drowns them out with its great wide sounds, cleanses me with its noise, and imposes a rhythm upon everything in me that is bewildered and confused.” -Rainer Maria Rilke
  19. “I promise you nothing is as chaotic as it seems. Nothing is worth your health. Nothing is worth poisoning yourself into stress, anxiety, and fear.” -Steve Maraboli
  20. “You’re not alone. And you’re going to be okay. Be kind to yourself. “-Andrea Russett
  21. “Find the pocket of your heartbeat where you keep forgiveness. We will try again tomorrow.” -Ashe Vernon
  22. “There is no trouble so great or grave that cannot be much diminished by a nice cup of tea.” -Bernard-Paul Heroux
  23. “You have plenty of people in your life who love you deeply and for good reason. Do not lose sight of this fact. Your anxiety does not make you unlovable. Not even close.” -Molly Burford
  24. “Anxiety was born in the very same moment as mankind. And since we will never be able to master it, we will have to learn to live with it—just as we have learned to live with storms.” -Paulo Coelho
  25. “Simply let experience take place very freely, so that your open heart is suffused with the tenderness of true compassion.” -Tsoknyi Rinpoche
  26. “Understand this and be free: we are not in our bodies; our bodies are inside us.” -Sean A. Mulvihill
  27. “You don’t have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.” -Martin Luther King
  28. “Don’t let your mind bully your body into believing it must carry the burden of its worries.” -Astrid Alauda
  29. “Doing something that is productive is a great way to alleviate emotional stress. Get your mind doing something that is productive.” -Ziggy Marley
  30. “No need to hurry. No need to sparkle. No need to be anybody but oneself.” -Virginia Woolf
  31. “The top of the ocean can be total chaos, but underneath, in the depths, there can be silence.” -Melissa Broder
  32. “The great thing, then, in all education, is to make our nervous system our ally instead of our enemy.”  -William James
  33. “In the woods, we return to reason and faith. There I feel that nothing can befall me in life—no disgrace, no calamity (leaving me my eyes), which nature cannot repair.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson
  34. “Each moment of worry, anxiety or stress represents lack of faith in miracles, for they never cease.” -T.F. Hodge
  35. “Breathe. Let go. And remind yourself that this very moment is the only one you know you have for sure.” –Oprah Winfrey
  36. “I will breathe. I will think of solutions. I will not let my worry control me. I will not let me stress break me. I will simply breathe. And it will be okay. Because I don’t quit.” –Shayne McClendon
  37. “Peace is the result of retraining your mind to process life as it is, rather than as you think it should be.” -Wayne W. Dyer
  38. “Don’t believe every worried thought you have. Worried thoughts are notoriously inaccurate.” -Renee Jain
  39. “Believe in yourself and all that you are. Know that there is something inside of you that is greater than any obstacle.” -Christian D. Larson
  40. “Surrender to what is. Let go of what was. Have faith in what will be.” -Sonia Ricotte
  41. “Stress, anxiety and depression are caused when we are living to please others.” -Paulo Coelho
  42. “Remember, happiness doesn’t depend on who you are or what you have. It depends solely upon what you think.” -Dale Carnegie
  43. “Fear is inevitable, I have to accept that, but I cannot allow it to paralyze me.” -Isabel Allende
  44. “No amount of anxiety makes any difference to anything that is going to happen.” -Alan Watts
  45. “Never fear shadows. They simply mean there’s a light shining somewhere nearby.” -Ruth E. Renkel
  46. “Depression and anxiety can’t fit in your head if you’re cultivating feelings of joy and inspiration.”—Austin Butler
  47. “You can’t stop the waves, but you can learn how to surf.” -Jon Kabat Zin
  48. “The man who moves a mountain begins by carrying away small stones.” -Confucius
  49. “Every moment is a fresh beginning.” -T.S. Eliot
  50. “You don’t have to control your thoughts. You just have to stop letting them control you.” -Dan Millman
  51. “Do not anticipate trouble, or worry about what may never happen. Keep in the sunlight.” -Benjamin Franklin

How Fear Almost Robbed Me of Happiness

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During the first year of my university studies, I switched my major three times. Before I stepped foot on the campus, I knew what I wanted to study, but I chose not to out of fear. I was highly encouraged to follow a mainstream path and study something that would guarantee a job.

So I listened to the well meaning advice and started out with a very traditional major. I soon discovered that was not going to work for me, so I switched to another “secure” major. But ultimately, I was not happy there either. I did not feel like myself and I wasn’t nourished with what I was learning. I chose these majors simply out of fear.

Fear that I wouldn’t have a job unless I studied a traditional major.

Fear that I wouldn’t make enough money to sustain a household unless I studied AB or C. 

Fear that I would be letting people down.

Fear that I would be wasting my education unless I studied something “realistic.”  

Instead of following my true interests, I listened to what people told me I should be doing in order to live a successful life. But I was miserable. I had a hard time paying attention in class, I stressed about my life path, my grades were struggling and I complained a lot.

But one day it hit me like a ton of bricks. Someone said to me, “Emily, why don’t you study what you love?” I didn’t know what to say, that simply sounded like a utopic decision. After all, family and child science? What security was there? What would I even do? How would that translate into anything substantial? But the more I put off switching majors, the more negative feelings I experienced. So I took the advice and a huge leap of faith and switched for the third time, to my final major, family and child science.

This decision changed everything.

I loved every single class. I felt like myself again and I was beyond passionate about my education. I doubted myself on occasion, but I was lucky to have some amazing professors who helped me stay connected to my real self, rather than continue to identify with the naysayers and do something that wasn’t going to make me happy.

But the adversity continued, even from people who loved me.

It was not uncommon for me find myself sitting down in a conversation about changing my path or to receive articles about “the lowest paying majors” with mine ranking in the top 10. A family friend once said, with a snarky chuckle, “You are studying family and child science? So that means you will be a glorified babysitter?” Diminishing interactions like this were commonplace. Other people’s insecurities and fears drove them to try and pull me into “what I was supposed to do.” But I wasn’t interested. I tried that and it didn’t work. I wanted to study what I loved and I had faith that with enough passion and grit I would create the life I want.

I graduated a year early and after spending the summer working in Cambodia, I went straight into studying for my Masters Degree in Counselor Education: Marital Couple and Family Therapy. I was enthralled once again with my work. I loved learning about the brain, relationships, theories, counseling and why we are the way we are. I knew I made the right decision. I knew this was for me.

But it came again.

The week before I graduated with my Masters degree I was told by an established therapist, “In this line of work you need to do your time. You will be a cog in the wheel. You will be overworked, underpaid and get burnt out. But after a few years, you can maybe do what you want.” Here I was graduating after 7 years in college, full of enthusiasm, bright eyed and bushy-tailed…only to be told I will be a cog in the wheel. I was puzzled as to how I was expected to work with clients and preach self care, catering to mental health, living as our true selves and following dreams if I, the therapist, was expected to live in complete opposition. Had I deemed that career path to be the only way, I would have been adhering to someone else’s vision. That path could have been riddled with the fear that enevitably comes with following dreams. That path was counterintuitive for me and frankly, it was not going to serve anybody well.

Now, as you know I am a therapist in private practice. I also do business consulting and career based performance coaching. A large part of my work is focused on processing through mental blocks and managing fears in order to live a fulfilling life. I love what I do. I love this work. I was intentional with this path and it has served me, my family and others well.

While advice and suggestions are often said out of love, we need to know when to protect ourselves, our dreams and our paths from the insecurity of others. Fear leads people into living lives they despise. It leads people into depression, anxiety, self loathing and pain. Basing prominent decisions off of fear can be exponentially damaging. If we are always making safe calls out of fear, we end up bitter, resentful and frustrated. There is a place for fear in life, absolutely. But letting it lead does not tend to serve us well.

If we want incredible lives, marriages, families, careers, communities…we need to start by expecting more than the standard. Sometimes we need to make decisions that are not popular. Sometimes we need to trust our gut, even if it is difficult. Sometimes we need to jump into fear now in order to live a better life later.

We need to hold onto hope.

We need to hold onto our passion and let it take the drivers seat.

We need to keep that magic in our hearts alive and when it is threatened with fear from others we need to self protect and redirect those relationships in order to keep that glimmer from being stomped out.

Being yourself and following your true passion is not always easy, but it is always worth it.

“Bravery is not the absence of fear. Bravery is feeling the fear, the doubt, the insecurity, and deciding that something else is more important.”

–Mark Manson

 

 

 

 

-Written by Emily De La Torre, LMHC

 

 

 

 

 

Are You Doing Mindfulness the Right Way?

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This is a guest post from a fellow colleague Jolene Feeney, a fellow therapist who runs Mindful Wellness Counseling in Vancouver, WA.  To learn more about Mindful Wellness Counseling, you can check them out here.

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I had this blog title suggested to me and I am merely writing it because it is actually pretty comical. There are several things about this title that run absolutely opposite to what mindfulness is about. The first item being: the concept of “doing.” Mindfulness practices are focused on learning how to be instead of do.

How to be a Human Being not Human Doing

We are incredibly good at doing. We’re constantly doing! Have you ever stopped trying to do? How did it feel?

If you were like me, not doing felt like torture; like I was failing, being unproductive, being lazy, etc. The concept of being is the idea of being present in the moment, and not trying to achieve anything in particular. For example, in formal Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) training people are asked what their goals are for attending the training. As people describe the numerous reasons for attending the facilitator goes on to share that this is an expectation and often times out expectations can limit our experiences and even lead to disappointment.

Expectations

Have you ever tried to meditate before and felt like your brain seemed to get louder, instead of quieter?

You think to yourself: “I tried meditation, it didn’t work.” “I’m not good at it.” This is where most people stop. There was an expectation that if you sit, close your eyes and try to be mindful that it would just happen. I think we can agree that it sounds ridiculous, but I encounter this all the time.

There have been other times when expectations have gotten in the way of me experiencing something fully.

For example, I have been caught up in expectations of myself when it comes to golf. I have been golfing for most of my life, but it has not been a consistent type of playing. I  get out a handful of times a year.However, each time I go out I expect to play great. When I do, I beat myself up, and then my golf game no longer becomes fun.

I find I do best when I can let go of expectations of myself and try to be present; feeling the movements of my arms, wrists, hips, and legs as I complete my swing. Allowing myself to be present and just be allows me to let go of the pressure to do or perform to a certain level.

Time to stop being so Judgmental

The second item that strikes me as contradictory to mindfulness is the concept of the “right way.” Of course, there are less effective ways to be mindful, however, the concept of right and wrong has more to do with judgments. Being non-judgmental is one of the core elements of being a mindful person, however, it can be one of the most challenging elements.

We are conditioned by society and by evolution to be judgmental.

Society has created a judgmental norm by creating unrealistic ideas of who people should and should not be (I could go on and on about this, but I won’t). Through evolution, we have had to refine our judgments.  At first, we were needing to judge for our safety; evaluating what is safe or not safe to eat, or what to do when it is too hot or too cold. Using our evaluative mind allowed us to survive.

However, as time has gone by we have had to be less concerned about physical dangers but more concerned with psychological dangers.

When we are being judgmental we are not being present. We are in our heads and operating off of assumptions and thoughts that may be getting in the way of experiencing life in a new way. There are many times of big and small where this has shown up in my life. For example, I still have not seen the movie Avatar; I judged it to be over-hyped and something that I wouldn’t like so I haven’t seen it. I have also judged myself and others around me and it has probably gotten in the way of me making new connections.

The more appropriate question: How can I be more mindful?

Here are some simple steps you can do to challenge yourself as a way to start practicing a more mindful life:

  • Track your judgments, big and small. Perhaps you were judging the color on the wall, perhaps you were judging how someone was dressed, or you judged yourself. Write it down. You’ll be surprised by the number of judgments we make on a daily basis.
  • When you feel your mind wandering from the present moment (i.e. thinking of the past or future) gently bring yourself back to what is happening in the here and now. Ground yourself with paying attention to your 5 senses: sight, sound, touch, smell, and taste.
  • If you find yourself feeling upset about something, check in with this simple question: What was I expecting? This may reveal expectations that set us up to have painful experiences.

Do you want to know more about taking a more mindful approach to life? Contact Jolene at Mindful Wellness Counseling, today.

5 Common Phrases to Avoid When Someone Dies and 5 Alternatives

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what to sayWe often do not know how to address people who have recently lost a loved one. Sometimes we use coined phrases that we may have heard others say, but they are not actually helpful. Or we simply may be uncomfortable with the pain ourselves, so we try to shift it away for the griever through words. However, these things do not actually help someone who is hurting. Grief does best when it is experienced. Not sugar coated, not painted into a nice image, not avoided…just experienced. It is only through experiencing the depth of our emotions, that we can eventually welcome a sense of healing. This post is written to highlight some common phrases to generally avoid when addressing someone who recently experienced a loss and also to offer some helpful alternatives.

“Grief is not a disorder, a disease or a sign of weakness. It is an emotional, physical and spiritual necessity, the price you pay for love. The only cure for grief is to grieve.”

Dr. Earl A. Grollman

5 Common Phrases to Avoid When Someone Dies:

 

  1. “They are in a better place.”

This phrase can be very triggering, even for those who believe in heaven or an afterlife. Even if we know the belief system of the person who is grieving, this phrase brushes over the current pain. Brushing over pain is arguably one of the worst things we can do to someone who lost a loved one.

  1. “It will get better.”

Now is not the time for this. Yes, it most likely will get better. But stating this discredits the current feelings of hurt.

  1. “There is a reason for everything.”

This phrase is well intentioned, but again, this is not the time to speak of reason. Death just hurts. There is no need to immediately analyze it. Letting the griever have space to feel their emotions rather than subconsciously encouraging them to think through it is much more effective.

  1. “I know exactly how you feel.”

No you don’t. If you lost a mom, dad, grandpa, sister, or brother too…it does not mean the relationship quality or experience was the exact same. Inversely, this phrase can causes more discomfort for the griever and often it takes away from their personal experience of pain. Instead, something like “loosing a parent is really hard”, helps separate your experience from theirs, all while acknowledging that you have shared in the experience of grief too.

  1. “They are with my (friend, mom, uncle etc) now.”

That’s a nice thought…sometimes. But these well intentioned phrases often cause more frustration for the griever. Instead of moving the attention to the person being with someone else, know that immediately after a death the griever likely cares more about the fact that their loved one is not with them.

5 Alternatives:

 

  1. “I am so sorry. I can only imagine how much you are hurting.”

Expression does not need to be complicated. Simply stating your apologies can be a good and simple way to address a person grieving.

  1. “I am here for you.”

This phrase, along with continuing to check in is powerful. For people close to us, continuing to check in is important because it is not uncommon for people to avoid reaching out. Stating, “I am here for you” and following up every so often demonstrates that you actually are.

  1. “I wish I knew what to say, just please know I care for you.”

It’s okay if you don’t know what to say. Say that. Avoiding a grieving person because you don’t know what to say can actually produce more harm. Avoidance can perpetuate a griever’s feelings of isolation. Because believe it or not, you are not the only person avoiding them out of confusion on what to say.

  1. Give a hug.

Sometimes the best way to express condolences is through a hug. Of course, make sure you mentally check in to see if it is appropriate for the relationship you have with the person who is hurting.

  1. “When can I bring you dinner?”

People usually do not ask for help. Instead of saying, “what can I do?” Insist on helping by bringing food, it’s one less thing for them to worry about.

 

*It is important to note that of course, there can always be exceptions to these phrases. For more on effective communication, check out 31 Empathetic Statements that Show You Care.

 

 

 

-Written by Emily De La Torre, LMHC

 

Why I Love My Postpartum Body

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Two months ago we welcomed a beautiful baby girl into our family. There are so many special moments that come with finally meeting your child. It’s like a being on a honeymoon, the experience is full of excitement and jubilation. The first burst of elation after delivery, the first glimpse of features, the coos, the snuggles and all of the precious little moments are simply incredible.  I could write on and on about it! However, this post is meant to highlight another aspect of motherhood. The postpartum body.

Unfortunately, women are inundated with the idea of “bouncing back” shortly after they deliver their child. We glorify losing baby weight as if it is a mark of good character. We comment on it, we ask what workout plan or diet will be started now that the baby is born and we offer “advice.” Not only that, but it seems that everywhere you turn there is a magazine, news article, or social media post on “How I Lost My Baby Weight in 2 Weeks and Have a Six Pack!” Okay, maybe two weeks is a tad facetious, but you get the point. The thing is, on top of everything that comes with adjusting to a new baby, a mother is also quite aware of her changed body.

I am still very early in my postpartum journey, yet I have already felt the pressure to lose my baby weight as soon as possible. I have found myself falling into the trap. The “hurry and lose it!” trap. The comparison trap. The insecure trap. The timeline trap. All of it. I wish I could say that some combination of education, body-positive talk and knowledge on the societal pressures placed on women could grant me immunity from experiencing this, but it hasn’t. Sadly, this persistent pressure has been experienced by most (if not all) mothers at some point.

One afternoon, while complaining about my postpartum frustrations to my husband, it hit me. Now my husband is a matter of fact person. He somehow has mastered the art of being his authentic self in almost every scenario, a trait I truly wish I had. So when I say things to him, I can always count on a sincere response or reflection. Maybe it has to do with his Latin roots or maybe it is simply his personality, nonetheless he doesn’t sugarcoat. So that afternoon as I was grumbling over the complaints I had regarding my body, he simply turned to me and said, “Em, enough. You are an amazing mother, you are beautiful and your body is exactly how it is supposed to be.”

Exactly how it is supposed to be.

Exactly.

Wow. He was right. My body is exactly how it is supposed to be. My body has changed in order to support our child’s needs and it is doing an impeccable job. I am not saying this in a light or flippant manner, the postpartum body is truly astonishing. After noticing how quickly my mind can shift into negative self talk, I have been making an effort to note the amazing things I have learned about my changed body. And it is time that we as mothers savor in the glory and power that our bodies hold. Let me share with you a little bit about why the postpartum body is amazing and why I love mine.

I can regulate my baby

If my little one is fussy, tired, scared, hungry, needy, or hurt, I can soothe her almost instantly (most of the time!) During pregnancy she was part of me. So now hearing me, smelling me, or being close to me is comforting…it’s home. I have never been able to regulate someone the way I can with our daughter. My ability to soothe her is amazingly powerful and I am so thankful that I get to experience it. Ironically, I write this as my previously fussy and needy infant is laying on my chest, now peacefully asleep.

I can sustain my baby

I have the power to provide all of the nourishment my baby needs. The fact that I can sustain another human’s life on my own is incredible. My body can create the perfect blend of sustenance for her development. If she is going through a growth spurt, then my body will make more milk. If she is sick, my body will make more antibodies. These are not small feats! This is all due to the highly intelligent human body. It is remarkable.

My senses are extremely sharp

With a new baby, our senses change and a heightened sense of awareness hits on multiple levels. My intuition, feelings, sounds, smells, and my sense of sight are all on high alert. While other areas may struggle (mom brain is real for example) these aspects do not seem to falter. Being able to distinguish between different cries and facial expressions in order to respond accordingly is quite empowering.

My body’s needs adjust quickly

People talk a lot about getting sleep with a newborn. In fact, this is a whole other topic that holds a lot of judgment and external pressure. While it is true, my sleep has definitely taken a toll…I am also amazed at how well my body has acclimated to this lack of sleep.  Yes, it was really difficult during the early weeks, though eventually my body started to get use to it. Naps are divine of course and I have learned that passing one up is almost always a mistake. However, the ability to acclimate to this lack of sleep is phenomenal. A mother’s body is designed to function just as she needs to after a child is born. We may be tired, but we are perfectly equipped to keep functioning even with very little sleep.

These days, I am working on being mindful of where my thoughts wander when I start to focus on my body. I want to relish in the amazing things my postpartum body has offered my child and myself. To forget all of this and exert the bulk of my attention to how quickly I need to “bounce back” would be a shame. So yes, my body is different now, I may not always be happy about it, I may not always look on the bright side, I may still find myself falling into traps here and there…but in all reality, this body is quite extraordinary and it is exactly how it is supposed to be.

 

 

 

 

-Written by Emily De La Torre, LMHC

 

How to Get the Most Out of Counseling

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This is a guest post from our dear colleague Ericka Martin, a fellow therapist who runs Star Meadow Counseling in Vancouver, WA.  To learn more about Star Meadow Counseling, you can check them out here.

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Most people start the counseling process with a readiness for change. Some may not know the specifics yet for how they’d like that change to look (maybe that’s why they’re in therapy), but in some way, they are not 100% satisfied with the status quo.

When you step through the doors of our counseling office, we know you are sacrificing your time, emotional energy, and finances to work toward your change goals. You are intentionally prioritizing your mental health and well-being. You are worth it! We want you to get the most out of your sacrifice.

In this article, I’ll outline a few tips that will help maximize your time in therapy, so you can get the most out of your journey in counseling.

BE YOURSELF. Counseling is a place where you don’t have to pretend. You don’t have to put on a happy face (unless you genuinely feel happy!). It’s okay to say “I don’t know” and it’s okay to say “This conversation is hard for me.” It’s okay to giggle, have your mind go blank, burst out in tears, or speak an unpopular opinion. The confidential nature of therapy is part of what makes it a safe space to be yourself. A good counselor will offer a non-judgmental, supportive setting.

DO THE HOMEWORK. Often, the most beneficial work of therapy happens outside of the therapy office, where you apply the concepts you are working on in the real world. You will get the most out of therapy if you are giving the homework a try. Hopefully, you will find most of the homework to be helpful; however, sometimes it might only partially help and other times it might not help at all. The results of your effort matter. Your counselor will ask about what happened–what worked and what did not work. This will help you and your counselor to troubleshoot coping skills, tailoring them more specifically to where you are getting stuck.

GIVE HONEST FEEDBACK. Counselors are not psychics; they cannot always know you are struggling, confused, holding back, or stumped unless you say it out loud. Sometimes counselors will tread on ground that you might not be prepared to discuss yet. Your honest feedback is welcome and will help you progress at a pace that fits your readiness.

ATTENDANCE COUNTS. Clients tend to make the most progress when they are meeting with their counselor on a weekly or every-other-week basis to start. Once-a-month therapy is typically reserved for clients who have achieved most of their goals and are only fine-tuning subtle points. Missed appointments = Missed momentum.

REVIEW BIG-PICTURE GOALS. As therapy progresses, it can be extremely helpful to pause periodically, zoom out, and take a look at the bigger picture. Where have you come? And where are you headed? Often, clients are so caught up in this week’s problem and this week’s to-do list that they lose track of the progress they’ve made over time. Your counselor is like a time capsule that can remind you of where you were when you first started, the steps you took to get where you are, and the strengths they’ve observed. Revisiting treatment goals can also help you identify specific areas where you have ongoing work to do. It is important for you and your counselor to be on the same page about how to prioritize your work.

Check out our FAQ page to review other commonly asked questions about the counseling process. You don’t need to have it all figured out before you schedule that first appointment. It’s natural to have lingering questions and even fears about starting counseling. Your readiness for change is what matters most! We’ll be here to help.

 

It All Starts With Words

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“Knowing that we exist in the minds of at least a few important others is a crucial part of feeling secure in the world.” ~Kallos-Lilly & Fitzgerald

 

relationship

Let me just start by stating my bias – I am a stickler about customer service.  I am not talking about “the customer is always right” service, although that is nice too, but I am talking about treating each person that comes into your place of business as if they are important to you; because they should be important to you. Your livelihood depends on each customer and what they say about their experience with you. What they say about you when they leave is often guided by how they felt about you when they were with you.

Whether we are consciously aware of it or not, every interaction we have with another person leaves us feeling some way. That feeling often guides the next choice we make regarding this person or business. How we feel about someone informs how we think about them, and how we think about them determines the actions we take.

The other day, I went to my bank to open a new account. I walked over to the member services desk and told the lady what I needed. She was nice enough and asked me to take a seat. About five feet away were two desks with a woman sitting at each one. The member services lady said to the woman at the first desk “I have someone here to open an account, do you want to help her?” I did not hear this woman reply, but what I did see was the member service lady walk to the next desk and ask the same question. I don’t know what was said, but what I instantly felt was that the woman at the first desk did not want to help me.  Now the reality may be that she was busy, or about to leave for lunch, or had a phone call to make, but I don’t know any of that, all I know is that she was given the option to help me and she chose not to. Despite having been a customer of this bank for over 20 years, I did not feel important to this financial institution at all. I found myself questioning whether I wanted to open my account there or not. This reminded me that how we say something is as important as what we say. If the first lady had simply asked the woman at the first desk if she was available to help me, I may have felt something entirely different.

Now, I understand that therapy is different than opening a checking account, and so it demands a different level of relationship, but they both require relationship which I find missing in so many occurrences in everyday life.  I believe every business would be more successful and every person would feel more cared for if we could all look at every transaction we have with another as a component of our relationship with them.

As a therapist, I want my clients to know that they are more than an ID number in the electronic health record or a paycheck to me.  I want them to understand that their lives, their happiness, their hopes, and their success all really do matter to me. For me, this means, I never let too long go by without me contacting a client I haven’t heard from. It means that I reply to every email and return every phone call within 24 hours if at all possible and if it’s not possible, as soon as I can contact the client I let them know what happened that kept me from them this time…never excuses, but a sincere apology and explanation. At the core of each of us, we want to know that we matter to others.

What can you do today to show someone in your business or personal life that they really do matter to you?

 

 

 

-Written by Heather Pace, LMHCA

 

10 Valentine’s Events in Vancouver, WA (That Are Not Dinner and a Movie)

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Let’s face it, at times Valentine’s Day can be redundant and boring. Doing the same thing year after year can occasionally become dry. Why not try something new? After all, novelty and adventure can ignite a stronger connection in couples!

If you are a couple that likes to engage in new adventures, then we have just the thing for you! We have compiled a list of 10 local events and fun activities to do during Valentine’s week.

If you are looking for something different than the traditional dinner out, take a look below and pick out something fun!

10 Valentine’s Events in Vancouver WA

(That Are Not Dinner and a Movie)

 

The Neuroscience of Pleasure and Love

Where: Kiggins Theatre – 1011 Main St, Vancouver, WA 98660

When: Wednesday, February 14th, 2018

Time: 7:00pm – 9:00pm

Details: Spend the evening with Dr. Larry Sherman, Neuroscientist at OHSU, as he speaks on pleasure and love!

Cost: $18/couple

More info: http://www.viaproductions.org

Partner Connection with Yoga & Massage

Where: Breathe Yoga & Massage – 17030 SE 1st St, Ste 102 Vancouver, WA 98684

When: Saturday, February 10th, 2018

Time: 1:00pm – 4:00pm

Details: Enjoy this 3 hour workshop of yoga and massage while engaging in loving connection techniques with your partner!

Cost: $70/couple

More info: www.BreatheYogaVancouver.com

Valentines Wine & Chocolate TOUR

Where: Meet at Salmon Creek Park and Ride

When: Saturday, February 10th, 2018

Time: 11:30am – 5:00pm

Details: Come check out 3 wineries where samples of wines and chocolates will be present. Lunch is included!

Cost: $75/person

More info: www.thevinetravelers.com

Valentine’s Day Date Night – Pottery Painting

Where: Earth Glaze and Fire – 9212 NE HWY 99 Ste. 102, Vancouver, WA 98665

When: Wednesday, February 14th, 2018

Time: 5:00pm – 8:00pm

Details: Chose between coffee mugs, cereal bowls, salsa bowls or heart trays and enjoy the night painting pottery with your Valentine!

Cost: $20-$40

More info: https://www.earthglazeandfireceramics.com

The Sunday Sessions- Romance Writers Panel

Where: Vintage Books – 6613 E Mill Plain Blvd, Vancouver, WA 98661

When: Sunday, February 11th, 2018

Time: 3:00pm – 4:00pm

Details: Join Vintage Books for a panel of 4 authors discussing writing romance stories!

Cost: FREE

More info: http://www.vintage-books.com

Couples Acupressure Class

Where: Ayurbella – 5102 Plomondon St, Vancouver, WA 98661

When: Saturday, February 10th, 2018

Time: 7:00pm-8:30pm

Details: Come learn the Traditional Chinese Medicine of acupressure with your partner and engage in a full session of acupressure!

Cost: $45

More info: Couples Acupressure Class

2018 Sweetheart Hangar Dance

Where: Pearson Air Museum – 1115 E 5th St, Vancouver, WA 98661

When: Saturday, February 10th, 2018

Time: 7:00pm – 10:00pm

Details: This dance is dedicated to all veterans and it is also a fundraiser for Friends of Fort Vancouver. Bring your sweetheart and dance the night away alongside the VanPort Jazz Band!

Cost: $25/person

More info: https://www.vanportjazz.org

Valentines Day Workout

Where: Northwest Personal Training – 1011 Broadway St, Vancouver, WA 98660

When: Wednesday, February 14th, 2018

Time: 5:30pm – 7:00pm

Details: Bring your partner to enjoy the lengthening & strengthening Barre Fitness class along with a stretching and mobility class. Giveaways + chocolate included!

Cost: $15/person

More info: www.nwpersonaltraining.com

Valentines Couples Only Paint & Wine Night

Where: Vancouver Art Space – 8700 NE Vancouver Mall Drive 206, Vancouver, WA 98662

When: Wednesday, February 14th, 2018

Time: 6:00pm – 9:00pm

Details: Wine, snacks, and painting!

Cost: $88.06/couple

More info: https://www.eventbrite.com

Sweetheart Bowling 9 pin No-Tap Mixed Doubles

Where: Allen’s Crosley Lanes – 2400 E Evergreen Blvd, Vancouver, WA 98661

When: Sunday, February 11th, 2018

Time: 9:30am – 3:30pm

Details: Come bowl the day away and compete with other other couples!

Cost: $30/couple

More info: www.crosleylanes.com

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*And finally to support your adventurous day out, here is one more option to help get you out of the house…

Valentines Day Mall Nanny

Where: Mall Nanny – 8700 NE Vancouver Mall Drive, Vancouver, WA 98664

When: Wednesday, February 14th, 2018

Time: 10:00am – 9:00pm

Details: Enjoy a day or night out with your loved one and ensure the kids are taken care of!

Cost: Depends on amount of time

More info: https://www.facebook.com/events

 

 

 

 

-Written by Emily De La Torre, LMHC

 

32 Questions for Couples that Promote Closeness

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What builds closeness in a relationship? The number one answer that the research highlights time and time again is vulnerability. In therapy, we actively promote safe vulnerability in order to increase intimacy, closeness and a deeper connection among couples. When one partner is vulnerable and the other is receptive to this vulnerability, we lay down foundational bricks of trust, intimacy and closeness. This ultimately creates a very strong relationship.

To engage in this exercise appropriately, it is important for each partner to access a sense of receptiveness and empathy, rather than judgment and criticism. As mentioned before, this receptivity builds emotional closeness and will strengthen the attachments between you and your partner. Furthermore, the questions are most effective if a dialogue occurs about each response rather than a simple one word answer.

Good luck!

32 Questions for Couples that Promote Closeness 

 

  1. What happened during the most difficult year in your life?
  2. What is your favorite character trait in yourself?
  3. Who made you feel special when you were a teenager and why?
  4. What is something you are grateful for right now?
  5. What has been the greatest accomplishment of your life?
  6. Who is someone you look up to and why?
  7. What does sex mean to you?
  8. When do you feel the most loved?
  9. What are 3 forms of intimacy that are nourishing for you?
  10. Outside of our sexual relationship, when do you feel the most connected to me?
  11. What is one dream/goal that is really important to you right now?
  12. What is would be included in your perfect evening?
  13. What is one of your greatest fears?
  14. When do you feel the most competent?
  15. What makes you uncomfortable when talking about sex?
  16. In what ways can I love you better?
  17. What stressors do you think I am facing right now?
  18. What is your favorite memory of us?
  19. What is one thing you want me to know about you?
  20. What is one thing you want to do differently from your parents?
  21. What is one thing you want to do as well as your parents?
  22. Whose marriage did you look up to growing up and why?
  23. What turns you on sexually?
  24. What is something you want to be remembered for?
  25. What is something you would like to learn more about?
  26. What is something you would like to do more of in life?
  27. What can I do to make you feel more comfortable with me?
  28. What memory always makes you laugh?
  29. What is something you look forward to in regards to getting older?
  30. What is the biggest lesson you learned from your previous relationships?
  31. When did you know you loved me?
  32. What is the best relationship advice you have ever heard?

For more couple stuff, check out our blog on Loving Your Partner With All 5 Senses.

 

 

 

-Written by Emily De La Torre, LMHC

Creating an Intentional Holiday Season

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This time of year can appear so picturesque. We imagine the lights, scents, events and joy that tends to accompany the season. Though, when November and December arrive, we often get overwhelmed with a list of things we “need to do!” Has this holiday rush ever taken you or your family away from enjoying the season? In this chaos, it is easy to hurry through the season by filling it with things we need to do. In turn, we can miss some important intentional moments we could have.

5 Ways to Create an Intentional Holiday Season

 

  1. Develop a new family tradition. Some families engage in religious activities such as keeping an advent calendar or Jessy tree. Others like to spend time decorating together or making an old family recipe. Whatever it is, spend some time thinking about things you can do to cultivate a more intentional holiday season by creating new traditions. Over the last few years I have started to bake homemade pies during the holidays, all from scratch. These pies are time consuming, tiring and absolutely delicious. It is simple, but nevertheless an intentional holiday act that is filled with love. As time has gone on, my family looks forward to these special pies, accompanied with homemade whipped cream each year.

 

  1. Give back. Spend time with your children and loved ones by serving others locally who need help this season. There are many local food banks, clothing centers and community facilities that need extra help during the holidays in order to serve folks throughout the community. As a child, I remember making stocking with my friends and mom, then filling them with treats and small toys to deliver to the local hospital for children to enjoy. This was the highlight of my holiday season and I thoroughly enjoyed giving back to others.

 

  1. Talk about the meaning of the holidays with your family. Do your children know why you celebrate this time of year? Is there an important reason that you spend time preparing and anticipating the season? Most would answer yes to this, though truthfully we can forget to address the root of why we celebrate and get caught up in the holiday hustle and bustle. Take an evening or two to set aside time to discuss what the season means to each of you.

 

  1. Incorporate storytelling. Movies are fun during this time of year but so is storytelling! Spend time reflecting on old family stories that bring about the holiday cheer to your home. This is a simple way to incorporate quality time and to honor our past generations.

 

  1. Forgo family gifts. Yes, it can sound crazy, though so much beauty can come from omitting your family from personal gift giving for one year. Last year, my husband and I decided to forgo gift giving with each other and instead use that money to purchase chickens, rabbits, eggs and goats for a family in need abroad. This decision was made with intention and gratitude. Truthfully, we are so thankful for all of our current gifts and we did not see the need for purchasing more for ourselves. Interested? Check out World Vision to learn more.

 

These are just a few ideas to get you started for an intentional holiday season. What other things can you add to this list? Just remember, you are allowed to slow down, savor and enjoy the season.

 

 

 

-Written by Emily De La Torre, LMHC

 

 

Looking for more holiday reading? Check out Simple Ways to Manage Stress During the Holidays.

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