People are having a hard time right now. Marriages are struggling, anxiety and depression rates are through the roof and families are preparing to head back to school in the midst of an ever-changing  pandemic. Counseling offices nationwide are booked and many have waiting lists that are months long. People are tired, overwhelmed and quite frankly, there are limited places to turn for quick support. In hopes to foster some deeper connection on your own time, I have compiled a relationship check-in for couples to use at their leisure.

When should couples do this?

Check-ins should be done when the relationship is at a neutral state and calm. Avoid trying to communicate about the state of the relationship in the midst of an argument, the responses will be heightened and too emotionally volatile to come to clarity.

How often should we do a check-in?

A check-in can be done as often you would like. However, it is best practice to check-in at least once a week. You do not need to use the questions below for that practice, once you get use to checking in with each other you will develop your own way to keep communication open. The questions below are simply to guide the conversation if you are unsure where to start.

Why should we check-in?

Preventative maintenance is the best way to mitigate crisis situations. Couples who check-in regularly and can talk about the state of their marriage improve their ongoing connection and increase emotional closeness. Who wouldn’t want to have a better relationship?

Relationship Check-in

1. When do you feel the most loved by me? 

Simple, yes. Effective? Immensely. We tend to love others in the way we personally feel love. A simple check-in about the act of demonstrating love will provide necessary insight to ensure you are giving love (regularly) in the way your partner experiences love.

2. What are we missing right now?

Is there anything getting in the way of having the relationship you want? Maybe you have lost the art of dating, you are struggling to find humor together, your spiritual connection is lacking, or you are not being intentional about quality time. Whatever it is, identifying it will be the first step to remedying the issue.

3. How do you feel about our sexual relationship at the moment? 

Conversation around your sexual relationship as a couple should be ongoing, fluid and open. Taking about sex is vulnerable, but the more you do the easier it becomes. Your sexual relationship should never be neglected from conversation, it is an essential element in a healthy relationship that needs attention.

4. How do you feel about our division of roles lately? (Spousal, parental, etc). 

Even if you have long standing roles it is important to ask whether you are both mutually okay with these positions. Are there any hidden resentments within the roles you hold? Maybe one of you has felt like there are areas that need adjusting? Perhaps you have added a new baby to the family, overtime hours are accruing at work, or something new is in the mix that would warrant a conversation around your roles. Whatever the case may be, it is worth talking about.

5. What areas in our relationship would you like to see me tending to more?

This can be a sensitive question, though it is helpful to get feedback from our spouses if we want to ensure we are taking responsibility for our part. Blind spots are real. One way to gain insight into some of yours is through the loving eyes of your spouse. When you are ready to honestly listen and your partner is ready to compassionately communicate some areas that need tending, delve into this question together.

The conversations that surround this check-in can help support a couple in accessing deeper emotional closeness. Though, it is critical to note that wrapping up the check-in with a commitment to action is the most effective way to make use of this exercise. Like the Dalai Lama once said,

“Follow the three R’; Respect for self; Respect for others; Responsibility for all your actions.”

Good luck and be well!

-Written by Emily De La Torre, Licensed Mental Health Counselor in Vancouver, WA

“Although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of the overcoming of it.”

– Helen Keller

No person is immune from pain, no matter how incredible their life may seem on the outside. Experiencing pain is simply a part of life, it is to be human. We see pain come in many forms. For one it may emerge as a physical ailment, such as an injury or a medical diagnosis. For another it may be a type of “invisible” pain, such as a mental health diagnosis, a heartbreak or grief after loss. Regardless of the kind of pain we encounter, we are all faced with one question. Will I let this get the best of me?

My Pain Story

Three years ago I was in a car accident shortly after I gave birth to my daughter. At the time my body was not strong, I was in the early postpartum months and healing was slow. Since the accident, I have been living with unexplained muscle and nerve pain. I have engaged in countless interventions, some of which included visits with doctor’s, MRIs, chiropractic work, year-long physical therapies, acupuncture, nutritional supplements and bloodwork, yet we still have no answers. Well-meaning practitioner’s promises of “this will get better!” and new approaches that should “definitely improve this!” can only take someone so far until they stop believing it. The pain and loss of comfortable mobility has pushed me to places that I never thought I would experience in my mind. Places that other people experience but not me. I have been angry, downright outraged by my pain. I have also been to the place of incredible sadness, the type of sadness that leads to depression and losing hope. I have seen grief and even today, I still grieve the limitations of my body. Like many who have experienced pain without answers, I have been through the range of emotions and tried numerous interventions only to continue to hit brick walls.

The physical pain has been hard to manage, I have had to change the way I sleep, the activities I engage in, the physical exercise I can do, the way I hold my children, and so on. However, even though my condition is physical, it is truly the mental pain that has been the most difficult dragon to slay. I have questioned:

Am I making this up? Is all of this in my head?

Why can’t anyone figure out what is wrong with me?

Who am I in this life if I am a person who lives with pain?

I am doing everything I can, why is it not improving?

 Then the questions that really hurt:

What about my husband? Does he really still love me now? He didn’t sign up for this. Will he be able to sustain the lack of answers and flare ups in pain that I encounter without giving up on me?

What about my kids? I cannot always keep up. If I can’t do all the things I wanted to do as a mom, will my children still love me?

I have faced painful questions that have pushed me to some dark edges of my mind. Like many people who live with chronic pain, I don’t often share the day to day reality of how it impacts me in fear of pity, lack of understanding or the dreadful obligation others feel to check in on me. People who live with pain often do not want to talk about it all the time.

So why now, why share this?

I share this as a vulnerable platform to normalize pain, to share in my humanness with you. Most importantly I share this to provide hope and a way forward, even though I am still riding the rollercoaster that chronic pain has forced upon me.

There are days that I feel better. Sometimes I am “nearly” pain free. I feel light, capable and strong. There are days where my body feels “normal-ish” and it is incredible…it gives me hope. On these days, I believe I feel better primarily due to my health plan (step four noted below). I get to decide how I will perceive my pain and what I will do to manage it. We all have the choice to reframe our pain and work with it rather than wallow in the perceived loss that we have experienced. There are four areas that we all can work on in order to help make living with pain more bearable.

Four Steps to Handling Pain

Acknowledge

It is healthy to first acknowledge the pain we are facing. Pain needs to be seen, it needs to breathe and be given adequate space so we can process it. Dr. Edith Eger, an incredible woman, Auschwitz survivor, psychiatrist and author says, “We can’t heal what we won’t feel.” Feeling our pain is an important part of the healing process. Some healthy ways to acknowledge the pain we encounter include journaling, going to therapy, reading about it, attending a support group and/or sharing our story with a few trusted friends.

Grieve

Allow yourself the space to hurt. Cry, grieve, get angry, feel the emotions that come with the pain you are facing and let them flow through you. In this space, we do not want any suppression of emotions, nor do we want to grab onto the feelings and identify with them forever. We simply are allowing the emotions to come and pass. This phase may occur more than once. Healing is not linear, but when we allow ourselves the space to feel the emotions we are better equipped to work with them.

Regroup

After grief we are all allotted a beautiful opportunity. We have the choice to regroup or wallow. The decision to wallow will keep us on the hamster wheel of pain: pain, grief, pain, grief, rinse, wash, repeat. Wallowing leads to more hurt and no answers. However, with the decision to regroup we can take a moment of pause and make the choice to focus on the areas we CAN control. We may not be able to control the medical diagnosis, the drug addiction of a loved one, or the loss of a job, but we absolutely can control our mindset.

Plan

This is the part where we get to decide how we are going to manage the pain. There are two areas in a health plan that are essential to address,  “aspects within my control” and “external support.” When we are creating a health plan, it is important to highlight both areas because we want to develop a holistic approach to navigating our pain going forward. We need a plan that is multi-pronged and sustainable.

Some of the things on my personal health plan that are within my control include gratitude, prayer, yoga, maintaining an optimistic mindset, learning about alternative ways to heal the body and engaging in activities that make me feel good within the limitations of my pain on any given day (gardening, cycling, home projects, being in nature etc). In the external support category some aspects I have included are mental health therapy, acupuncture, massage, and working with my doctor and physiatrist.

In the time that I have lived with this pain I have experienced some good too. I have learned about the invaluable work of developing self-compassion and I have broken through some of my own mental blocks that needed tending to. For this I am grateful and I will stay the course.

One of my favorite quotes right now is from Janene Wolsey Baadsgaard. She writes,

“In the end, I am the only one who can give my children a happy mother who loves life.”

This is the benchmark that I want to live up to, even on the days where I am struggling. This concept applies to being a wife as well. It takes the pain I encounter out of the equation and brings the ownership back to me. I do not know how long I will have this pain or if this will be my life forever. But I do know I have a choice, the choice to reclaim my life and unlock the gates to the prison I have created in my mind about being a victim of chronic pain.

-Written by Emily De La Torre, Licensed Mental Health Counselor in Vancouver, WA

Seems like we’ve been hearing a lot lately about “doing the work.” This is meant to invoke personal growth and positive change and maybe even healing from whatever traumas you’ve escaped or dragon bellies from which you’ve managed to emerge. “Do the work.”

But what does it mean?  Sometimes a good starting place for definitions is to look at what something doesn’t mean. Here are some cheap imitations of what “doing the work” might look like:

• It might look like hardening up, collecting memes and quotes about being a bad a** and demanding respect.
• It might be sharing articles with titles like “Ten Red Flags You’re in a Toxic Relationship” and thinking yourself informed.
• It might be using psychobabble in a just effective enough way to sound reasonable. (This will probably include the popular (mis)use of words like narcissist, OCD, PTSD, bipolar and “toxic” for everything a person just might not happen to like.) 
• It might be surrounding yourself with cheerleaders who tell you how amazing and brave you are and cutting people out of your life who challenge your narrative, then calling it “boundaries”.

Those are all forgeries of what “doing the work” actually is. 

Doing the work isn’t just knowing the red flags of a relationship. Anybody can Google up some information about mental health. But knowledge isn’t change. Doing the work is about testing your thinking and modifying your behavior to protect and respect yourself and others, in order to live authentically in this world.

Doing the work isn’t just passively waiting for the healing season to begin and end. Honestly, time does NOT heal all things. Some wounds need prescription strength antibiotics! 

Doing the work means getting professional help—the right kind. Not from someone who is happy to earn a paycheck just by co-signing on the nonsense you’re tempted to spew. Not your friend who took a life coaching class online “that one time.” Get serious. When I was searching for my own therapist, I interviewed a few before finding the right fit. I didn’t want someone who would pat me on the back and tell me how wonderful and insightful I was. I wanted the truth. It’s critical to have experienced and wise help in noticing our own blindspots.

Doing the work means getting your hands on excellent literature, specific to the issue you need to overcome— whether it’s codependency, addiction, abuse, manipulation, or an eating disorder— and reading about it from reputable experts, not journalists or pundits. 

Doing the work means voluntarily exposing yourself to situations that are scary or hard or uncomfortable (provided they’re safe of course) because that is where the growth is. It’s reducing the intensity and frequency of trauma triggers so that they no longer master you but you master them.

Doing the work means not being afraid to challenge ourselves with honesty. It means having a relentless pursuit towards self knowledge and the integrity enough to confront our own flaws. So that when we turn a sharp corner and find ourselves in the dark, seedy parts of our hearts, we don’t run away. We don’t make excuses. No projecting, blaming, dismissing or denying the unsavory things that we find lurking there. We pause. Ask questions. Study the situation. And then pull out the damn sword to begin the conquering. 

Doing the work means having an appropriate estimation of oneself. Being able to confidently name your strengths and weaknesses alike. Having genuine compassion for yourself and all that you’ve experienced, while nudging yourself onward consistently. It’s about taking responsibility for your life and owning your story. Making practical amends where possible and repairing relationships that may need it. 

In short, doing the work requires humility, courage and perseverance. You won’t come out the other end feeling pain-free and drying up all the tears. Rather you’ll come out the other end with an appropriate balance of the head and the heart. You’ll still have issues, cry out in pain and otherwise live the drama of the human story; this is a lifelong process. But attaining ‘happiness’ isn’t the moral of the story here anyway (though happiness may be a byproduct of the work). No. “Happiness” by itself is far too transitory to ever make for an excellent aim. The moral of the story is meaning and growth and adaptability. 

Some people may wonder if they are doing enough to battle their demons and correct their dysfunctions. Maybe you aren’t. Maybe you can do better. But know that at least. And own it. Ultimately, you will know you’re on the right track if you can live inside of this quote by M. Scott Peck:  “Mental health is an ongoing commitment to reality at all costs.”

Written by: Elizabeth Rose, Licensed Mental Health Counselor Associate 

The universal pandemic may be slightly waning in its hold over our lives, but the grip COVID-19 has had on our mental health will be slow to loosen. Some folks are returning to work, some schools are slowly opening back up and some businesses are opening back up—albeit at limited capacity. But our lives are not back to normal. Not by a long shot. And while the quarantine has affected every single person in this country, some have been more deeply impacted than others. 

Therapists in Vancouver, Washington and all over the country have seen the spectrum of this impact, from depression and isolation to anxiety and overwhelm. One group of people who’ve suffered in unique ways is parents. If parents are working outside of the home, they’re coming back to pent up children eager for their attention and energy. If they’re working inside of the home, they’re stepping in and out of whatever makeshift office they might have (whether that’s a full separate room, or just a corner of the couch, flanked by laundry piles) to tend to children demanding their time, affection and interaction. And if they’re stay-at-home parents, they have essentially had a full year of all their normal outings shut down and are feeling the strain of never having a spare minute to hear themselves think, coupled with a social isolation that no amount of Facetime or Zoom meetings will ever be able to cure.

And what to do when you have nothing to spare? When you are overwhelmed, depressed, or preoccupied with the many complications of life? What do you do when your own mental bandwidth is so battle-weary and depleted that you feel utterly incapable of giving your children the time and attention they so desperately need?!  While having a regular therapist can help tremendously, 50 minutes a week isn’t going to solve all your problems. The children still need you to be present… even if your own well has run dry. And this can feel really, really hard sometimes.

Introducing the power of being Alone Together. What does this mean? Being alone together means being with your children, without directly interacting with them. It’s a sort of “parallel play” that is especially useful for parents who need to be able to be quiet in their own minds in order to feel restored. There are many, many ways for parents and children to be alone together. Outside, it might look like weeding those early flower beds, or getting the dirt ready for seeds. Going for walks in nature or around your neighborhood. You can do nature journaling alone together: you have your journal and Child has his/hers.  Inside, my favorite ways of being alone with my children are to do puzzles (which don’t require as much interaction as board games) and to draw or color next to my children with some soothing music playing. It’s remarkable how delighted the children are when I choose to color with them and it requires very little interaction or talking at all on my own part. They feel close to me and I am investing time into them, while simultaneously allowing my brain to rest and my thoughts to wander as they are wont to do in introverted brains. 

Being alone together is not just a good way to show up and be present for your children, but it is also an essential part of development. Studies have shown that people who are comfortable being alone and alone together are better able to self-regulate (defined here as the ability to respond to and manage emotional experiences in a tolerable way that produces ultimately positive results) than those who are uncomfortable with solitude. This will be critical for children to go on to have healthy relationships with others as they get older as well… since self-regulation and healthy intimacy go hand in hand. 

Please remember that children of course, still need healthy, quality interaction. They need parents to put away their phones and lists of urgencies and to be with them, engaged in meaningful work, play and rest and communicating about big and little things in life. But being alone together is also important for a multitude of reasons, and can be an absolute saving grace when we are trying to get our lives and mental health back together this springtime.

Written by: Elizabeth Rose, Licensed Mental Health Counseling Associate 

For as long as I can remember, late August/early September has been my favorite time of year. As we enter into the tail end of summer, we still get to enjoy a few more weeks of hot bright days in the Pacific Northwest. If your family is anything like mine, summer is full of berry picking, water play, bike riding, popsicles and sun tanned skin. Though now as we look around, we can see glimmers of autumn brewing. The leaves are starting to fall, the colors around us are changing and the days while still long, are starting to set a little earlier. The changing of seasons holds so much beauty if we can just slow down enough to simmer in its glory.

As we mosey alongside the end of summer and prepare to enter into fall, my family is also preparing to enter into a new season, the season of birth and bringing home another baby. Change often brings it’s own splendor, but as we know it can be painful and hard, especially for young children. However, when children can anticipate changes it allows them to mentally prepare for new things to occur, with this they tend to hold a steadier emotional state than if information is just thrown upon them. Change is tough, so don’t expect your child to be perfectly okay in times of change even if you do “everything right.” Though, that should not keep us from diligently engaging children in understanding the changes that are about to occur. In general, people greatly underestimate the power of communicating change to children. We tend to expect them to just “go along with it” since they are young. Though, explaining changes and narrating routines even to young babies has many benefits.

A Few Benefits of Explaining Change to Children:

-Strengthens their vocabulary

-Allows for them to process information in a healthy manner

-Creates an internal compass of safety and security with caregivers (what you say is reliable)

-Lessens emotional and behavioral outbursts due to predictability

-Allows for predictable experiences (this very important for children as it lessens anxiety and contributes to easier daily routines)

-It is a respectful act that honors them as people

It is crucial that we as parents and caregivers strive to involve our children in the changes that are occurring around them. Changes are happening around us every single day, we don’t need to wait for a major life event to involve our children in understanding the new processes that are occurring around them. In fact, the more we get comfortable with explaining changes in day to day life with our kids, the more prepared we will be to handle the big life transitions that may occur in the future with our kids.

Ways to Introduce Change as Part of Day to Day Life:

1. Narrate what is happening around you (Example: “Do you notice how the leaves are beginning to change color?”
2. Explain the daily schedule, even if its mundane (Example: “First we are going to eat breakfast, then go to grandma’s house to play, then we will come home for nap.”)
3. Use a variety of sources to demonstrate how change is occurring (pictures, physical items, books, charts etc)

Remember, simply communicating day to day changes has power for children. See if you can make it a common practice within your home. You may be surprised at how much easier it is to do things with little kids when we just make an effort to explain what is happening! Not to mention, when we talk through changes, we give ourselves and our kids a lovely gift of living a vivid, secure and present life.

Good luck!

-Written by Emily De La Torre, Licensed Mental Health Counselor in Vancouver, WA

If you are like me, you have had recurring arguments about day to day life more than you would like. Maybe this has taken form through arguing about how laundry is managed in the home, the unkept yard, the cleanliness of the house, the way money is spent, or the division of household and parental tasks. Nonetheless, you are not alone.

The amount of day to day responsibilities a typical family has in the U.S. is beyond unhealthy. Families have to focus on managing work, children, cooking, cleaning, errands, household tasks, school, extracurriculars…and the list goes on and on. Previously, when we lived in villages, the tasks were divided among the people making the responsibilities more manageable. Though, that is not the state we live in now. Furthermore, we do not have the cultural set up that many other countries experience where extended family is present in day to day life, which can provide much more support for everyone throughout the lifespan. In the U.S., we live in an over-scheduled, overly responsible and highly individualized society. This leaves many families feeling as though they never have enough support. Take our current state with COVID-19 where external support is nearly out the window and you will see many families and marriages struggling immensely.

One thing we can do to combat the problem of lack of support is to adopt the mentality that delegation is a necessity rather than a luxury. If couples invested in 1-2 areas of delegation, we would see a dramatic change in the day to day stress of families. Rather than viewing these items as another unnecessary expense, what would happen if we could shift into the mindset that delegation is a way to invest in our marriages and families?  When responsibilities are delegated, we are less likely to argue about the mundane tasks of living. With less to worry about, we free up space to be more present. With less to manage, we are better lovers, parents and friends. Are there changes that could occur within your budget right now that could make 1-2 of the items listed below possible? Take a look at the following list and see if you can determine some areas where arguments arise in your relationship. If 1-2 of these items brings up consistent issues, it may be a good time to consider the investment of delegating these things out.

10 Things to Delegate for a Happier Marriage 

1. House cleaning

I would consider this the single best investment a family can make when delegating personal tasks. Whether it is 1x a week, bi-weekly or even monthly, many couples swear by hiring a house cleaner. Having someone come in and do a deep clean removes the stress of “getting around to it another time” and keeps our homes in good working condition. Many people note this single investment as being a reason they are still married today!

2. Laundry support

Yes this is a thing, who knew?! You can find a company or a private person to help with laundry on a schedule that works for you.

3. Yard maintenance

Is managing the yard a consistent annoyance for you? Consider handing that task over.

4. Food and meals

Designating even 1 night a week that is takeout night is a great way to have a consistent evening off. If meal planning and cooking are stressors for you, this may be a great way to manage it effectively.

5. Bring on a babysitter

It saddens me each time I have a couple sit in my office and tell me they have no childcare options outside of school and themselves. Unfortunately, it is more common that many people realize. Spending the time and money needed to have a babysitter can be one of the best ways couples can invest in their relationship. If you can focus on finding a babysitter for your family, you can make date night a priority and focus once again on your connection. One excellent way to find a babysitter is to ask friends or use social media to find out who other trusted families are using.

6. The unfinished project     

Are you someone who has an unfinished project that you “have been working on” but it never seems to get done? It may be time to pass this on to someone else so you can have your peace of mind back.

7. Finances

You do not need to be an expert in everything. Let a financial advisor support you and your family in money management. When you have a set plan to reach your goals, the right money vehicles in place and a trusted advisor guiding you along, you can rest assured that you are on the right track and reduce arguments over money.

8. Pet care

Do you love your pet but struggle to get them on consistent walks or bathing routines? Delegate it. Find a groomer who has experience in your animal’s breed and bring on a dog walker if this is a task you cannot find time or energy for.

9. Misc errands

Oil changes, grocery shopping, dry cleaning. If errands take up a lot of your time, consider starting to delegate them out.

10. Child tasks

Tutoring, summer camps, childcare pick up/drop off, PTA projects and so on.

Delegating is truly an art form. When we delegate, we have to relinquish some control over our routines and train somebody to do things the way we like, though once this initial training is complete the positive impact is substantial. Nothing is off the table when it comes to delegation, what matters is that we delegate areas in our lives that cause us the most stress in our relationships. The more support couples have in their lives, the more they thrive and deepen in their loving connection.

For more on investing in your marriage, check out Marriage Counseling Outside of Crisis; The Key to Success

-Written by Emily De La Torre, Licensed Mental Health Counselor in Vancouver, WA

We are currently living through historic uproar that our children will read about in textbooks someday. This violence takes its toll and can leave us all feeling a little bit jaded. Right now, people of every color have been watching their televisions in disbelief, reading headlines in horror, and feeling the heavy truth that our nation is still an extremely divided one. It’s really easy to draw lines in the sand and get comfortable with an Us versus Them mentality. The “good people”, vs. “the bad people.”  We might righteously invoke the likes of Martin Luther King Jr. as an example of the Good Kind™ of protester while sneering in disgust at these current Bad Guys™. 

But it’s not that simple.

And it doesn’t have to be this polarizing. 

Part of bridging the divide during massive racial unrest involves suspending our own hatred, disgust, or indifference, and leaning into that good, old mental health tactic of empathy.

This does NOT mean condoning wrong actions. Destruction of property is wrong. Stealing is wrong. Arson is wrong. Murder is wrong. The truth won’t bend no matter the level of emotions present and it’s important to speak out honestly and accurately about wrongdoing. But there are more than two options here. You don’t have to hate the criminals and let bitterness fester in your own mind and heart. Nor do you have to gleefully cheer rioters on and pretend you’re a crusader for social justice. But overarching all of this— the violence and destruction aren’t supposed to be the main issue now and certainly shouldn’t distract us from what is.

Empathy in a time of chaos is part of the antidote to this division. And it’s important to understand what empathy is and what it isn’t. Many psychologists agree that there are various levels of empathy: cognitive, emotional and compassionate. Cognitive empathy is the ability to consider another person’s perspective, though the emotional component isn’t necessarily felt. Even people with personality disorders or low emotional intelligence can be cognitively empathic. It has its place in society but it falls short of satisfying interpersonal needs. Emotional empathy is what most people commonly reference and that is often having sympathy (“feeling bad”) for someone—whether that’s for Black people, the cops, or the shop owners. You can feel their pain and maybe even understand it. This is the kind of empathy that has you crying at a sad movie or feeling the joy of someone’s pregnancy announcement. In brain science, emotional empathy involves the firing up of mirror neurons that are prone to the ‘contagious’ emotions of other. This too, has an obvious place in society and— without getting into a discussion of boundaries— it’s an excellent tool for deepening relationships. 

But the highest level of empathy is the compassionate type or what I like to refer to as whole empathy. This is to comprehend the feelings of another, to be with another in his/her struggle (and moved to action if necessary), and to be convicted that this is worth the time and energy to do so. It involves a willingness to suspend judgement and truly listen for the sake of understanding. This is the ground in which the strongest and healthiest of human bonds are formed. And in this space of solidarity, there’s not always warm and fuzzy feelings. Empathy can be angry. Very angry. But there exists a constructive anger that is the exact opposite of destructive anger. It is the anger of demanding justice. And advocating for ways to make that happen. It involves speaking truth at all times, but also seeking to understand the context of the unrest. Empathy says “This is not right. Minorities have been mistreated in this country and in contemptible ways even by the arms of the State. And I want to make space for helping to correct this injustice.” Whole, compassionate empathy doesn’t look away when confronted with suffering. Nor does it mean to observe suffering and injustice apathetically on our TV screens with one hand in the Pringles container. Whole empathy asks What can I do to understand and to ease the plight of those suffering?

The beautiful thing about empathy is that it never loses. Being with people in pain not only serves their needs and moves forward the common goal of peace, but it produces a positive shift in the brain on the part of the person extending it. Empathy is good for the mental health of everybody. May George Floyd rest in peace. May meaningful change begin to happen. And may the wellness, healing and humanity of everybody begin to be prioritized in our country.

Written by: Elizabeth Peck, Licensed Mental Health Counseling Associate