How to Keep Money & Finances from Ruining your Marriage

July 11, 2016 By Pax Family Counseling Leave a Comment

Did you have trouble being honest about money & finances with your spouse?

According to recent studies, approximately 13 million people have a secret account or credit card _{(1. Yahoo, 2016)}. Honesty is crucial when it comes to money & finances.

If you want a quick way to gain a deeper emotional connection with your spouse, be honest about your financial landscape. Couples who are honest about their money & finances are often more emotionally connected than partners who commit financial infidelity.

You and your spouse come from two different money backgrounds, which can make it difficult to be truthful. You may have different spending, saving or investing habits, and being honest can create a certain discomfort in the relationship. However, it is a necessary part of maintaining trust and connection within your spousal bond. One of the biggest mistakes couples can make is to expect honesty in other areas of their relationship, but to exclude this one. When you are vulnerable and share the truth about money with your spouse, you can start working as an effective practical team.

Here are 3 Ways to Keep Money & Finances from Ruining your Marriage:

Be deliberate in creating and/or adjusting your money roles

When certain topics come up in session, I often hear couples say, “we will deal with that when it arises.” While there can be a certain level of truth and value in that ideology, there is also truth and value in planning, especially when it comes to major things like money & finances. Who will pay the bills? Do you have separate or joint accounts? Are either of you feeling upset with the current structure? Is there a plan for saving and spending habits? How will you manage power differences? What happens when you have children or a crisis arises, will that change things? How will you be honest and fair if you maintain separate accounts? The most commonly reported source of stress for couples is money _{(2. Money Habitudes, 2015)}, however clarity about the roles and expectations can relieve a large amount of frustration and stress.

Set up weekly check-ins

Does this feel contrived? Well, it is. If you have trouble being honest and talking about money in general, it is important to create a space to do it. It is not as easy as just ‘thinking it will come naturally’ because often, it doesn’t. According to Money Habitudes, “Eighteen percent of those surveyed say money is a taboo subject in their family, and 36 percent say talking about money makes them uncomfortable” _{(2. Money Habitudes, 2015)}. Weekly check-ins about your money & finances will be a way you two can get on the same page. You can discuss what the expenses are, what spending looks like this week, where you are with saving and any unexpected costs arising. When you two are on the same page with these topics you will feel much better about what is going on.

Be proactive and cover your bases

Money & finances are not only an immediate topic to address, but also a long term issue. To avoid issues that may come up in the future, discuss your goals together and start acting now. You and your spouse will feel wonderful knowing that your goals are in the making now and you are acting as a team. Think retirement accounts, college savings accounts, insurance coverage and other long-term savings goals. According to recent studies, “Approximately 26% of adults have no savings set aside for emergencies, while another 36% have yet to start socking away money for retirement _{(3. Credit Donkey, 2016)}.” The first step to reaching a goal is to map it out and then begin taking the steps to get there.

_{Poll: 13 Million Americans Commit Financial Infidelity, Yahoo! Finance, February 2, 2016. http://finance.yahoo.com/news/poll-13-million-americans-commit-030000766.html}

_{Financial Behavior & Attitudes: Marriage and Money Stats, Financial Infidelity, Financial Planning, Money Habitudes, 2015. http://www.moneyhabitudes.com/about/press-news/financial-behavior-and-attitudes-statistics/}

_{23 Dizzying Average American Savings Statistics, Credit Donkey, May 18, 2016. https://www.creditdonkey.com/average-american-savings-statistics.html}

The #1 Root Cause for Divorce

October 9, 2015 By Pax Family Counseling 1 Comment

We have all heard the statistics stating over 50% of todays marriages end in divorce. With such high numbers, people often hypothesis the largest cause for divorce and argue the reasons behind the high divorce rate.

For those who have been divorced, these ideas can lead to shame and guilt when trying to make sense of such an emotional experience. For this reason, it is important not to lump everyone into one category, but to take things on a case by case basis.

What is the root cause for divorce?

As of now, studies are showing there is one root cause for divorce that accounts for the largest percent of seperations. As of 2013, the studies show that Communication problems are the leading cause of divorce, sitting at 65 percent (Billow). For some, communication can look like the sole issue. But for many, it is a derivative of larger core issues that surface through communication.

Luckily for couples looking to steer themselves away from divorce, there are a plethora of wonderful books that focus specifically on communication within a relationship. Some of these include, A Couples Guide to Communication, Nonviolent Communication, Say This, Not That, and my personal favorite, Hold Me Tight. However, sometimes a book is not enough and struggling couples still find themselves looking for new answers, different perspectives and individualized help. According to research done by AAMFT, 93 percent of clients reported having more effective tools for dealing with their difficulties after they worked with a marriage and family therapist (Tasker).

Resources to assist the root cause for divorce:

If you and your partner are struggling with communication, couples counseling may be an excellent choice that can assist in creating healthier communication patterns. To learn more, visit the Contact page and set your appointment today.

_{Billow, Rochelle. “Want Your Marriage to Last?”}

_{Tasker, Racheal. “Does Marriage Counseling Work? 8 Surprising Statistics & Facts.”}

Helping Children: Hope Through Attachment

September 11, 2015 By Pax Family Counseling Leave a Comment

A secure attachment to a primary caregiver is the most important aspect to developing a healthy and well balanced child. Unfortunately, there are many times when this attachment gets put on the back burner and the child is not afforded the chance to form a secure attachment. When this happens, a plethora of emotional and behavioral difficulties arise. Research suggests, “failure to form secure attachments early in life can have a negative impact on behavior in later childhood and throughout life. Children diagnosed with oppositional-defiant disorder (ODD), conduct disorder (CD) or post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) frequently display attachment problems, often due to early abuse, neglect or trauma. Clinicians suggest that children adopted after the age of six months have a higher risk of attachment problems” (Cherry, 2006). With these attachment injuries present, parents usually find themselves in difficult situations that can seem impossible to get through. However, there is hope in helping children! Research shows that with the support of at least one consistent caregiver, children can learn to form new attachments and establish new found security in themselves and others.

What else about helping children?

The first thing to keep in mind when caring for children with attachment injuries is to take time to learn about the importance of attachment.For families dealing with attachment injuries in children, it is imperative to understand how early childhood experiences will shape a person for many years, including having lasting effects into their romantic relationships. helping children When children learn that they cannot rely on a primary caregiver during their early years, they are not able to feel safe and secure. Though, when parents take an active role in educating themselves and/or using professionals to assist their family systems, they can better address the difficulties at hand.

Reparenting a hurt child is not for the faint of heart. It is takes time, patience and consistency. When helping children, the journey is long, but it can be immensely rewarding.

Below are a few books to support families in their journey to forming a secure attachment with their child.

Books below for helping children:

Reparenting the Child Who Hurts: For everyday parents looking to understand the impacts of trauma and attachment in childhood, this will be a beneficial read. The book addresses how usual parenting techniques are not always helpful for children who have experienced trauma and why they need to be parented differently. While utilizing a lens fit for foster care and adoptive children, parents find this book to be very helpful and down to earth.

A Secure Base: Parent-Child Attachment and Healthy Human Development: This book was written by John Bowlby and it address the importance of attachment as a whole. Bowlby addresses a variety of research and includes the different attachment styles, along with how to detect them in children. The book is theory heavy and incorporates several clinical studies for those interested in more research.

Attached at the Heart: This book is for couples looking to start a family and incorporate attachment based parenting principals. The book addresses several strategies to strengthen emotional bonds with your children, raise conscious children, and ways to form a strong attachment from the beginning.

Parenting the Hurt Child: For families who are involved with a hurt child in some way, shape or form, this book is for you. The author utilizes an adoption lens to address the importance of a strengthened attachment in childhood and what families can do to support their child in the journey to heal and grow.

For more on helping children, you can also view Three Things Every Child Needs.

Cherry, K. A. (2006). What is attachment theory?

5 Simple Ways to Practice Self Care

August 13, 2015 By Pax Family Counseling Leave a Comment

ways to practice self care Do you ever feel like you are running on empty when taking care of others? How often do you really practice self care? It seems as though there is always a project to complete, a child to transport to an event, another meal to cook, an additional friend who needs your support, and that burdensome to-do list that continues to grow. Regardless of the daily tasks, we often forget about ourselves in the process of assisting others. Though in order to continue the art of giving, we too, need to feel sustained.

Below are 5 simple ways to practice self care:

Write a gratitude list.

It is one thing to know what we are grateful for, but it is another thing to see what we are grateful for through visual lists. Writing a list of things we are grateful for is an act of self care that can shift our busy minds to a place of satisfaction and comfort.

Schedule “me” time in your calendar.

As strange as it may sound, planning “me” time is often the only way we can truly have some space and practice self care. Practice scheduling “me” time each week. Whether it is 15 minutes or an hour, you will be glad you scheduled time during the week to care for yourself.

Accept a little chaos.

Wouldn’t the days be a little less stressful if we allowed for some chaos, without feeling like we need to fix it? Allow yourself the freedom to let go of the dishes that need to be done right this second, or the bit of dust that should be polished away. Focus on the big things, the small things will always add to the stress, unless we can allow ourselves some leniency. This is one of the best ways to practice self care.

Go for a walk.

A simple walk can cure so many ailments. Spend some time with a friend, your partner, or alone and go for a morning or evening stroll. You may be surprised at how much better you feel afterwards.

Get creative.

When was the last time you built a birdhouse, baked a cake, sewed a project, or planted some vegetables? Creative projects are a great way to focus on things that are merely for pleasure rather than to reach a timeline.

More on self care:

“To experience peace does not mean that your life is always blissful. It means that you are capable of tapping into a blissful state of mind amidst the normal chaos of a hectic life.” – Jill Bolte Taylor

“Self-compassion is simply giving the same kindness to ourselves that we would give to others.” – Christopher Germer

“Lighten up on yourself. No one is perfect. Gently accept your humanness.” – Deborah Day

“Sometimes the most important thing in a whole day is the rest we take between two deep breaths.” – Etty Hillesum

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