Why I Love My Postpartum Body

April 25, 2018 By Pax Family Counseling 3 Comments

Two months ago we welcomed a beautiful baby girl into our family. There are so many special moments that come with finally meeting your child. It’s like a being on a honeymoon, the experience is full of excitement and jubilation. The first burst of elation after delivery, the first glimpse of features, the coos, the snuggles and all of the precious little moments are simply incredible. I could write on and on about it! However, this post is meant to highlight another aspect of motherhood. The postpartum body.

Unfortunately, women are inundated with the idea of “bouncing back” shortly after they deliver their child. We glorify losing baby weight as if it is a mark of good character. We comment on it, we ask what workout plan or diet will be started now that the baby is born and we offer “advice.” Not only that, but it seems that everywhere you turn there is a magazine, news article, or social media post on “How I Lost My Baby Weight in 2 Weeks and Have a Six Pack!” Okay, maybe two weeks is a tad facetious, but you get the point. The thing is, on top of everything that comes with adjusting to a new baby, a mother is also quite aware of her changed body.

I am still very early in my postpartum journey, yet I have already felt the pressure to lose my baby weight as soon as possible. I have found myself falling into the trap. The “hurry and lose it!” trap. The comparison trap. The insecure trap. The timeline trap. All of it. I wish I could say that some combination of education, body-positive talk and knowledge on the societal pressures placed on women could grant me immunity from experiencing this, but it hasn’t. Sadly, this persistent pressure has been experienced by most (if not all) mothers at some point.

One afternoon, while complaining about my postpartum frustrations to my husband, it hit me. Now my husband is a matter of fact person. He somehow has mastered the art of being his authentic self in almost every scenario, a trait I truly wish I had. So when I say things to him, I can always count on a sincere response or reflection. Maybe it has to do with his Latin roots or maybe it is simply his personality, nonetheless he doesn’t sugarcoat. So that afternoon as I was grumbling over the complaints I had regarding my body, he simply turned to me and said, “Em, enough. You are an amazing mother, you are beautiful and your body is exactly how it is supposed to be.”

Exactly how it is supposed to be.

Exactly.

Wow. He was right. My body is exactly how it is supposed to be. My body has changed in order to support our child’s needs and it is doing an impeccable job. I am not saying this in a light or flippant manner, the postpartum body is truly astonishing. After noticing how quickly my mind can shift into negative self talk, I have been making an effort to note the amazing things I have learned about my changed body. And it is time that we as mothers savor in the glory and power that our bodies hold. Let me share with you a little bit about why the postpartum body is amazing and why I love mine.

I can regulate my baby

If my little one is fussy, tired, scared, hungry, needy, or hurt, I can soothe her almost instantly (most of the time!) During pregnancy she was part of me. So now hearing me, smelling me, or being close to me is comforting…it’s home. I have never been able to regulate someone the way I can with our daughter. My ability to soothe her is amazingly powerful and I am so thankful that I get to experience it. Ironically, I write this as my previously fussy and needy infant is laying on my chest, now peacefully asleep.

I can sustain my baby

I have the power to provide all of the nourishment my baby needs. The fact that I can sustain another human’s life on my own is incredible. My body can create the perfect blend of sustenance for her development. If she is going through a growth spurt, then my body will make more milk. If she is sick, my body will make more antibodies. These are not small feats! This is all due to the highly intelligent human body. It is remarkable.

My senses are extremely sharp

With a new baby, our senses change and a heightened sense of awareness hits on multiple levels. My intuition, feelings, sounds, smells, and my sense of sight are all on high alert. While other areas may struggle (mom brain is real for example) these aspects do not seem to falter. Being able to distinguish between different cries and facial expressions in order to respond accordingly is quite empowering.

My body’s needs adjust quickly

People talk a lot about getting sleep with a newborn. In fact, this is a whole other topic that holds a lot of judgment and external pressure. While it is true, my sleep has definitely taken a toll…I am also amazed at how well my body has acclimated to this lack of sleep. Yes, it was really difficult during the early weeks, though eventually my body started to get use to it. Naps are divine of course and I have learned that passing one up is almost always a mistake. However, the ability to acclimate to this lack of sleep is phenomenal. A mother’s body is designed to function just as she needs to after a child is born. We may be tired, but we are perfectly equipped to keep functioning even with very little sleep.

These days, I am working on being mindful of where my thoughts wander when I start to focus on my body. I want to relish in the amazing things my postpartum body has offered my child and myself. To forget all of this and exert the bulk of my attention to how quickly I need to “bounce back” would be a shame. So yes, my body is different now, I may not always be happy about it, I may not always look on the bright side, I may still find myself falling into traps here and there…but in all reality, this body is quite extraordinary and it is exactly how it is supposed to be.

-Written by Emily De La Torre, LMHC

9 Alternatives to ‘Stop Crying’ and Why that Phrase Hurts

July 10, 2017 By Pax Family Counseling Leave a Comment

Crying always happens for a reason. Whether it is due to pain, sadness, attention or hurt, the emotions are valid and make sense. Regardless of the reason, crying is a way of conveying a message. When we silence the message with ‘stop crying’ it can make things worse. Of course, as a parent it’s so easy to fall into the trap of silencing crying with an ultimatum or firm words. Most parents (if not all) have found themselves at their wits end with a child at one time or another! This is normal and to be expected.

At times, you may have experienced, used or heard one or more of the following phrases:

“Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about!” (fear)

“Everyone is looking at you right now!” (shame/embarrassment)

“You better stop crying or else I am going to ________.” (scare tactic)

“You are being a baby and not a big girl/boy.” (shame)

“If you keep crying the police are going to come.” (scare tactic)

It is painful to experience these phrases as a child from a trusted adult. Sure, there are always arguments that support these reactions from folks who state, “My parents did that and I turned out okay!”…Of course, many people turn out ‘okay’ as an adult when this has happened. But is that what we are striving for? I love the quote by L.R. Knost that states,

“Instead of raising children who turn out okay despite their childhood, let’s raise children who turn out extraordinary because of their childhood.”

stop crying We need to remember that children do not know how to cope with big emotions, they physically can’t until they develop a level of emotional maturity. So they often cry. When we can remember that children literally cannot cope on their own, it helps us to respond in more effective ways. Thus it is in our best interest to help children work through their difficult emotions, rather than silence them. Silencing can overwhelm children immediately and in the long term. Some effects may include low self esteem, confusion, redirected energy (anger outbursts), acting out, shame and embarrassment. No parent is perfect and no one expects us to make the right decisions all the time. But in moments of tears, we can all work to remember a few other options that may help our children process their experiences.

9 Alternatives to Use Instead of ‘Stop Crying’

This is really hard for you. (empathy)
Do you want to talk about it? (support/processing)
I am here for you. (support)
It is okay to feel hurt/sad/upset. (normalizing)
I know that really hurt/scared/excited you! (understanding)
I am sorry you are having a hard time right now. (empathy)
Let’s sit down together and work on it. (support/processing)
Yes, I see why that made you cry. (understanding)
Come here and I will help you with this. (support/processing)

Do these phrases mean you will always approach crying perfectly? No, of course not! And if you slip up and act upon frustration are you a bad parent? Absolutely not. These phrases are here to provide anyone who interacts with children with some options to utilize that may be more beneficial than the age old “stop crying.”

Good luck!

For more on effective child rearing, check out Simple Steps to Instill Gratitude and Kindness in Young Children!

7 Back to School Tips for a Smooth Transition

August 10, 2016 By Pax Family Counseling 1 Comment

Going back to school can be very difficult on children of any age. The transition can cause anxiety and/or behavioral outbursts which also causes strain for parents. This list of back to school tips will help contribute to a smoother transition within your household.

7 Back to School Tips

Begin new sleep routines 1-2 weeks before school begins. Have kids in bed and waking up at the time they will be when they go back to school. Sleep routines, especially for teenagers, are often the most difficult thing about going back to school.
Begin limiting sugar intake and increase the amount of healthy foods. The summer sugar crash can be rough if it is not addressed before the school year begins!
Enforce school year screen time rules 1 week before school begins. While technology is often a staple for families to keep children entertained, weaning them back from their screen time will help them adjust to the new day routines.
Talk about the feelings of going back to school. One of your children may be excited, while another may be nervous. Opening up dialogue will allow for time to sort through these feelings.
Discuss bullying and being a good example. It is your responsibility to do what you can to ensure your child is not contributing to the hurt of others. The more you talk about leadership and kindness, the more it will happen.
Inform the school about any mental health concerns you have for your child (i.e. anxiety, self harm, recent divorce, summer traumas etc). If the school is prepared for a struggling child, they will be better able to cater to their needs.
Create a goal list for this school year. Kids of any age can engage in this. Maybe they want to learn to read, make varsity on a sports team, or get an “A” in their most difficult class. Whatever it is, writing it down and discussing it is the first step to making it happen.

For more on helping children, check out Three Things Every Child Needs!

Why You Need Family Traditions and 3 Ways to Start Today

May 2, 2016 By Pax Family Counseling Leave a Comment

Why is it so important for families to cultivate traditions?

Family traditions create consistency and security within a family unit. We love the expected, especially if it is tied to positive memories. These positive memories feed our familial relationships and keep us connected for the long haul. Memorable traditions can also add a positive light in how we view our families and in which our future generations will view theirs.

Family traditions honor our past generations, our cultural values, our spiritual practices and our overall family story.

Below are 3 ways you can start cultivating family traditions today:

Spend a day looking back at the traditions you and your partner had growing up. This can be a fun occasion! Recall the memories associated with each tradition and decipher whether you want to bring these forward into your family unit now. Make an effort to incorporate at least one positive tradition that you and your spouse had. This practice honors the previous family generations and will keep your children connected to both parts of their heritage.

Establish a mix of new traditions, along with the old. One way to create new traditions to map out the important aspects of your family story now. Think of any cultural aspects, religious values, food and dishes, holiday experiences and other miscellaneous concepts that are important to your family. Develop a list of a few traditions throughout the year that you would like to incorporate to fill your family’s positive memory bank.

Get input from your family! Ask your children and spouse what they would like to see turned into traditions moving forward. Does your child have a favorite meal that they want each year for their birthday? How about making last year’s family camping trip a tradition each summer moving forward? Or what about that one time you cut your own Christmas tree, was this an occasion that the family enjoyed?

With consciously creating traditions or carrying old ones forward, we can work to maximize on the positive and leave the negative behind. This can benefit ourselves, our children, their children and our future families for generations to come.

For more on healthy families, see What Elephants Can Teach Us About Healthy Families!

Tips and Tricks for Children with Anxiety

April 11, 2016 By Pax Family Counseling 1 Comment

Yes, it is true, anxiety is not an “adult only thing.” Many children struggle with anxiety as well. While it can be derived from a variety of areas (complex trauma, home environment, health, biology, etc), it does not take away from how heart breaking it can be to live among children with anxiety.

The research shows that parents who experience anxiety, along with many other things, can trickle their anxious tendencies down to their offspring. Children are sponges and they are constantly absorbing conscious and subconscious messages, especially from their loved ones. At some time or another, most people experience bouts of anxiety. For this reason, it is important to be working on one’s own anxiety while also addressing your child’s.

Below are a few tips and tricks for children with anxiety:

Breathing exercises – Helps with calming and reversing nervous system responses.
Mindfulness – Helps with focusing on small aspects and one thing at a time.
Prayer – Helps to rely on something bigger and re-center.
Yoga – Helps with calming and body awareness.
Stretches – Helps with calming and body awareness.
Calming music – Helps with cultivating tranquility.
Calming jar – Helps with devoting time to get calm.
Artwork – Helps with emotion processing.
Empathizing – Helps with normalizing and not feeling so alone.
Noticing anxious triggers (sounds, events, people etc). – Helps with monitoring anxiety.
Teaching thought stopping – Helps with halting anxious thoughts and replacing them.
Creating a worry box – Helps children to write worries and let them go.
Blowing bubbles – Helps with grounding and exhaling “worry.”

There are a variety of techniques that you can implement to help a child regain control over their anxiety, these are just a few.

Whatever fits for your family and your values, use it.

Above all, be careful not to over identify with anxiety. The more the child thinks “I am anxious. I have anxiety.” The more likely they will take this in as their whole character. They may have “worrisome parts” or “anxious parts”, though it is important to note that it is a part of them, not all of them.

Helping Children: Hope Through Attachment

September 11, 2015 By Pax Family Counseling Leave a Comment

A secure attachment to a primary caregiver is the most important aspect to developing a healthy and well balanced child. Unfortunately, there are many times when this attachment gets put on the back burner and the child is not afforded the chance to form a secure attachment. When this happens, a plethora of emotional and behavioral difficulties arise. Research suggests, “failure to form secure attachments early in life can have a negative impact on behavior in later childhood and throughout life. Children diagnosed with oppositional-defiant disorder (ODD), conduct disorder (CD) or post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) frequently display attachment problems, often due to early abuse, neglect or trauma. Clinicians suggest that children adopted after the age of six months have a higher risk of attachment problems” (Cherry, 2006). With these attachment injuries present, parents usually find themselves in difficult situations that can seem impossible to get through. However, there is hope in helping children! Research shows that with the support of at least one consistent caregiver, children can learn to form new attachments and establish new found security in themselves and others.

What else about helping children?

The first thing to keep in mind when caring for children with attachment injuries is to take time to learn about the importance of attachment.For families dealing with attachment injuries in children, it is imperative to understand how early childhood experiences will shape a person for many years, including having lasting effects into their romantic relationships. helping children When children learn that they cannot rely on a primary caregiver during their early years, they are not able to feel safe and secure. Though, when parents take an active role in educating themselves and/or using professionals to assist their family systems, they can better address the difficulties at hand.

Reparenting a hurt child is not for the faint of heart. It is takes time, patience and consistency. When helping children, the journey is long, but it can be immensely rewarding.

Below are a few books to support families in their journey to forming a secure attachment with their child.

Books below for helping children:

Reparenting the Child Who Hurts: For everyday parents looking to understand the impacts of trauma and attachment in childhood, this will be a beneficial read. The book addresses how usual parenting techniques are not always helpful for children who have experienced trauma and why they need to be parented differently. While utilizing a lens fit for foster care and adoptive children, parents find this book to be very helpful and down to earth.

A Secure Base: Parent-Child Attachment and Healthy Human Development: This book was written by John Bowlby and it address the importance of attachment as a whole. Bowlby addresses a variety of research and includes the different attachment styles, along with how to detect them in children. The book is theory heavy and incorporates several clinical studies for those interested in more research.

Attached at the Heart: This book is for couples looking to start a family and incorporate attachment based parenting principals. The book addresses several strategies to strengthen emotional bonds with your children, raise conscious children, and ways to form a strong attachment from the beginning.

Parenting the Hurt Child: For families who are involved with a hurt child in some way, shape or form, this book is for you. The author utilizes an adoption lens to address the importance of a strengthened attachment in childhood and what families can do to support their child in the journey to heal and grow.

For more on helping children, you can also view Three Things Every Child Needs.

Cherry, K. A. (2006). What is attachment theory?

Three Things Every Child Needs

August 31, 2015 By Pax Family Counseling 3 Comments

As many psychologists have noted, there are three things every child needs in order to develop in a healthy and positive way. When any of these three areas are lacking, problem behaviors arise and children struggle. For this reason, it is important to reflect often on the following aspects to see how we are measuring up.

The three things that every child needs are as follows:

Love: Children need to know they are loved no matter what. This can be difficult because sometimes children ask for love in the most unloving ways and the art of unconditional love can be tested. With this, many well meaning parents withhold love and use it in the form of a reward system in order to create desired behaviors (ex: “I am not going to (fill in loving action here) because you did this”). Children do best when they are given love freely and this love is demonstrated consistently. Withholding love from a child as a punishment promotes shame, questioning, and disorganized attachment (Miller, 1996). Showing consistent love is an important element to ensure your child is feeling secure within himself and within their relationship with you. No matter how difficult it can be, it is important for children to know that we are on their side, even if we don’t agree with them.

Areas where this aspect can be implemented: Spending quality time with your child, physical expressions, verbal praise, and genuine care for a child’s interests.

Limits: Children need limits. This includes structure, routines and expectations. Limits help children develop self-regulation, self-discipline, responsibility and personal security. Limits should be expected and predictable. In order for children to feel safe, they need to know someone is in charge and that it is not them. Studies show the most effective parenting style encompasses warmth and support for autonomy within secure boundaries and limitations (Stepp 2010). Children who grow up with no limits often have low self esteem, lack motivation and are more likely to develop problem behaviors than children who had reasonable expectations.

Areas where this aspect can be implemented: Age appropriate responsibilities, morning and evening routines, limits around technology, and censorship on media input.

Guidance: It is essential for children to have a caregiver who can guide them. This means cultivating virtues, values and morals. Who do you want your child to be in this world? What do they need in order to be successful? These questions are the questions that caregivers should ask themselves when they are raising children. Guidance helps children make wise choices and supports their ability to be reflective in their lives (Fields & Boesser, 1998). Children are sponges and they respond to what is happening around them. The old saying, “do as I say, not as I do” is not an effective way to guide a child. Practicing the values and ethics you would like to instill in your children is the best way to set them up for success. Furthermore, this guidance does not stop once the child grows up. Offspring, especially teenagers, still need their loved ones to help guide them…even if they do not ask for it.

Areas where this aspect can be implemented: Getting children involved in donating their time, talent, and treasures, sharing holistic literature, emphasizing and engaging in the family’s cultural, religious and/or spiritual activities.

^{Fields, M.V. & Boesser, C. (1998). Constructive guidance and discipline. Columbus, OH: Merrill.}

^{Miller, D.F. (1996). Positive child guidance. Boston, MA: Delmar.}

^{Stepp, G. (2010). Teaching children the art of self control.}

If you are looking for specifics regarding your circumstances, you can learn more about family counseling here, or you can Contact us today to schedule an appointment.

5 Simple Ways to Practice Self Care

August 13, 2015 By Pax Family Counseling Leave a Comment

ways to practice self care Do you ever feel like you are running on empty when taking care of others? How often do you really practice self care? It seems as though there is always a project to complete, a child to transport to an event, another meal to cook, an additional friend who needs your support, and that burdensome to-do list that continues to grow. Regardless of the daily tasks, we often forget about ourselves in the process of assisting others. Though in order to continue the art of giving, we too, need to feel sustained.

Below are 5 simple ways to practice self care:

Write a gratitude list.

It is one thing to know what we are grateful for, but it is another thing to see what we are grateful for through visual lists. Writing a list of things we are grateful for is an act of self care that can shift our busy minds to a place of satisfaction and comfort.

Schedule “me” time in your calendar.

As strange as it may sound, planning “me” time is often the only way we can truly have some space and practice self care. Practice scheduling “me” time each week. Whether it is 15 minutes or an hour, you will be glad you scheduled time during the week to care for yourself.

Accept a little chaos.

Wouldn’t the days be a little less stressful if we allowed for some chaos, without feeling like we need to fix it? Allow yourself the freedom to let go of the dishes that need to be done right this second, or the bit of dust that should be polished away. Focus on the big things, the small things will always add to the stress, unless we can allow ourselves some leniency. This is one of the best ways to practice self care.

Go for a walk.

A simple walk can cure so many ailments. Spend some time with a friend, your partner, or alone and go for a morning or evening stroll. You may be surprised at how much better you feel afterwards.

Get creative.

When was the last time you built a birdhouse, baked a cake, sewed a project, or planted some vegetables? Creative projects are a great way to focus on things that are merely for pleasure rather than to reach a timeline.

More on self care:

“To experience peace does not mean that your life is always blissful. It means that you are capable of tapping into a blissful state of mind amidst the normal chaos of a hectic life.” – Jill Bolte Taylor

“Self-compassion is simply giving the same kindness to ourselves that we would give to others.” – Christopher Germer

“Lighten up on yourself. No one is perfect. Gently accept your humanness.” – Deborah Day

“Sometimes the most important thing in a whole day is the rest we take between two deep breaths.” – Etty Hillesum

To learn more about if counseling is for you, check out the Home page.

Exactly how it is supposed to be.

Exactly.

I can regulate my baby

I can sustain my baby

My senses are extremely sharp

My body’s needs adjust quickly

“Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about!” (fear)

“Everyone is looking at you right now!” (shame/embarrassment)

“You better stop crying or else I am going to ________.” (scare tactic)

“You are being a baby and not a big girl/boy.” (shame)

“If you keep crying the police are going to come.” (scare tactic)

“Instead of raising children who turn out okay despite their childhood, let’s raise children who turn out extraordinary because of their childhood.”

9 Alternatives to Use Instead of ‘Stop Crying’

This is really hard for you. (empathy)

Do you want to talk about it? (support/processing)

I am here for you. (support)

It is okay to feel hurt/sad/upset. (normalizing)

I know that really hurt/scared/excited you! (understanding)

I am sorry you are having a hard time right now. (empathy)

Let’s sit down together and work on it. (support/processing)

Yes, I see why that made you cry. (understanding)

Come here and I will help you with this. (support/processing)