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32 Questions for Couples that Promote Closeness

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What builds closeness in a relationship? The number one answer that the research highlights time and time again is vulnerability. In therapy, we actively promote safe vulnerability in order to increase intimacy, closeness and a deeper connection among couples. When one partner is vulnerable and the other is receptive to this vulnerability, we lay down foundational bricks of trust, intimacy and closeness. This ultimately creates a very strong relationship.

To engage in this exercise appropriately, it is important for each partner to access a sense of receptiveness and empathy, rather than judgment and criticism. As mentioned before, this receptivity builds emotional closeness and will strengthen the attachments between you and your partner. Furthermore, the questions are most effective if a dialogue occurs about each response rather than a simple one word answer.

Good luck!

32 Questions for Couples that Promote Closeness 

 

  1. What happened during the most difficult year in your life?
  2. What is your favorite character trait in yourself?
  3. Who made you feel special when you were a teenager and why?
  4. What is something you are grateful for right now?
  5. What has been the greatest accomplishment of your life?
  6. Who is someone you look up to and why?
  7. What does sex mean to you?
  8. When do you feel the most loved?
  9. What are 3 forms of intimacy that are nourishing for you?
  10. Outside of our sexual relationship, when do you feel the most connected to me?
  11. What is one dream/goal that is really important to you right now?
  12. What is would be included in your perfect evening?
  13. What is one of your greatest fears?
  14. When do you feel the most competent?
  15. What makes you uncomfortable when talking about sex?
  16. In what ways can I love you better?
  17. What stressors do you think I am facing right now?
  18. What is your favorite memory of us?
  19. What is one thing you want me to know about you?
  20. What is one thing you want to do differently from your parents?
  21. What is one thing you want to do as well as your parents?
  22. Whose marriage did you look up to growing up and why?
  23. What turns you on sexually?
  24. What is something you want to be remembered for?
  25. What is something you would like to learn more about?
  26. What is something you would like to do more of in life?
  27. What can I do to make you feel more comfortable with me?
  28. What memory always makes you laugh?
  29. What is something you look forward to in regards to getting older?
  30. What is the biggest lesson you learned from your previous relationships?
  31. When did you know you loved me?
  32. What is the best relationship advice you have ever heard?

For more couple stuff, check out our blog on Loving Your Partner With All 5 Senses.

 

 

 

-Written by Emily De La Torre, LMHC

How to Keep Money & Finances from Ruining your Marriage

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Money & financesDid you have trouble being honest about money & finances with your spouse?

According to recent studies, approximately 13 million people have a secret account or credit card (1. Yahoo, 2016). Honesty is crucial when it comes to money & finances.

If you want a quick way to gain a deeper emotional connection with your spouse, be honest about your financial landscape. Couples who are honest about their money & finances are often more emotionally connected than partners who commit financial infidelity.

You and your spouse come from two different money backgrounds, which can make it difficult to be truthful. You may have different spending, saving or investing habits, and being honest can create a certain discomfort in the relationship. However, it is a necessary part of maintaining trust and connection within your spousal bond. One of the biggest mistakes couples can make is to expect honesty in other areas of their relationship, but to exclude this one. When you are vulnerable and share the truth about money with your spouse, you can start working as an effective practical team.

 

 Here are 3 Ways to Keep Money & Finances from Ruining your Marriage:

 

  1. Be deliberate in creating and/or adjusting your money roles

When certain topics come up in session, I often hear couples say, “we will deal with that when it arises.” While there can be a certain level of truth and value in that ideology, there is also truth and value in planning, especially when it comes to major things like money & finances. Who will pay the bills? Do you have separate or joint accounts? Are either of you feeling upset with the current structure? Is there a plan for saving and spending habits? How will you manage power differences? What happens when you have children or a crisis arises, will that change things? How will you be honest and fair if you maintain separate accounts? The most commonly reported source of stress for couples is money (2. Money Habitudes, 2015), however clarity about the roles and expectations can relieve a large amount of frustration and stress.

 

  1. Set up weekly check-ins

accountDoes this feel contrived? Well, it is. If you have trouble being honest and talking about money in general, it is important to create a space to do it. It is not as easy as just ‘thinking it will come naturally’ because often, it doesn’t. According to Money Habitudes, “Eighteen percent of those surveyed say money is a taboo subject in their family, and 36 percent say talking about money makes them uncomfortable” (2. Money Habitudes, 2015). Weekly check-ins about your money & finances will be a way you two can get on the same page. You can discuss what the expenses are, what spending looks like this week, where you are with saving and any unexpected costs arising. When you two are on the same page with these topics you will feel much better about what is going on.

  1. Be proactive and cover your bases

Money & finances are not only an immediate topic to address, but also a long term issue. To avoid issues that may come up in the future, discuss your goals together and start acting now. You and your spouse will feel wonderful knowing that your goals are in the making now and you are acting as a team. Think retirement accounts, college savings accounts, insurance coverage and other long-term savings goals. According to recent studies, “Approximately 26% of adults have no savings set aside for emergencies, while another 36% have yet to start socking away money for retirement (3. Credit Donkey, 2016).” The first step to reaching a goal is to map it out and then begin taking the steps to get there.

 

  1. Poll: 13 Million Americans Commit Financial Infidelity, Yahoo! Finance, February 2, 2016. http://finance.yahoo.com/news/poll-13-million-americans-commit-030000766.html
  1. Financial Behavior & Attitudes: Marriage and Money Stats, Financial Infidelity, Financial Planning, Money Habitudes, 2015. http://www.moneyhabitudes.com/about/press-news/financial-behavior-and-attitudes-statistics/
  1. 23 Dizzying Average American Savings Statistics, Credit Donkey, May 18, 2016. https://www.creditdonkey.com/average-american-savings-statistics.html

 

Vulnerability: 2 Truths and 1 Lie

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This is a guest post from Daniel Stephens, who practices with Real Life Counseling in Vancouver, WA. To Learn more about Daniel, you can check out him out here.  

The strongest people in any gym have one thing in common. They all use spotters.

Lack-of-vulnerability-16-9-1024x576

I’ll get back to the spotters in the gym in a minute. If you still haven’t seen Brené Brown’s TED talk on vulnerability, plan 20 minutes in your schedule to go watch it.

If you don’t have 20 minutes, I’ll sum up what I still get out of her talk: A lack of vulnerability is like barbed wire around your heart. It keeps others out. But it also keeps you in.

Pain is part of this life. Pain is also part of every relationship we’ll ever have, even the best ones. A natural response to that pain is to hide our wound from anyone who might be a threat. Including the very people who might help us heal the pain.

Whoever wounded us… Whatever wounded us… The fight eventually ends. After the fight it is time for healing.

Vulnerability leads to healing (truth)

Cleaning wounds hurts. Setting broken bones hurts. Getting stitches hurts. There is no such thing as painless healing. That’s why someone came up with anesthetics. Wimps like me can only get stitches because of anesthetics. I would rather have a gaping, bleeding hole in my body than let someone sew the hole shut without numbing me first.

That’s exactly what would happen if I could never trust (ahem, be vulnerable to) an ER doc. I would bleed out.

Emotional healing is different from physical healing. As Brené Brown said in her talk, there is no way to numb bad feelings without also numbing the good ones. There is no such thing as emotional anesthetic.

If you are using vulnerability to heal, you’re doing it right.

Vulnerability leads to strength (truth)

Back to the gym. I want to get stronger. For that to happen, I need to be able to say that I may not be strong enough to be safe. I need to be able to say that I need other people.

If I want to get stronger I have to admit that I can’t do it alone. I need other people around me who want to get stronger themselves. I need them to want me to get stronger.

But even in the gym, they have to put up signs that say “SPOTTERS REQUIRED FOR ANY OVERHEAD LIFTING.” Even though everyone knows that the strongest people in the gym all use spotters, no one wants to ask for a spot.

The same thing is true for our emotions. We need friends, community, and camaraderie. For that to happen, we need an environment where vulnerability is naturally encouraged.

Even once you have spotters in your life, lifting heavy just plain hurts. As you face life’s challenges, and become stronger as a result, you will need to take time to rest and heal. In that case, you’re back at the point where vulnerability leads to healing.

After that…

If you are using vulnerability to get stronger, you’re doing it right.

Vulnerability is honesty (lie)

Vulnerability

Authentic vulnerability certainly includes honesty, but it’s an honesty related to integrity. The honesty of vulnerability is not brutal honesty.

Glennon Doyle Melton said that vulnerability “is being brave enough to tell your own story, and kind enough not to tell others.” Vulnerability is honesty about yourself. Brutal honesty only calls people out, probably in a destructive way.

Brutal honesty is like a drill instructor. Calling out everyone and everything in sight, and destroying your own voice.

If you use “vulnerability” as a guise for gossip, you are destroying your own credibility.

(No, I’m not saying drill instructors have no credibility. It’s a metaphor, it’s not perfect).

Commentary:

Vulnerability is perhaps the most essential element to having a fulfilling relationship with another. Vulnerability allows us to show who we really are and what we really feel.  When we are able to be vulnerable, others can better understand how to be present with us and meet us in our emotional space. Not only that, but we also open the door and invite them to show their vulnerable side. These little moments of vulnerability create an immense amount of connection and healing. Vulnerability is ultimately the heart and soul of our interpersonal relationships. 

–Pax Family Counseling

The 5 Love Languages and Tips to Implement Them

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Dr. Gary Chapman is the author of the #1 New York Times bestseller, “The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to a Love that Lasts.” Since the book’s inception in 1995, Dr. Chapman has helped couples all over the world through a simple method regarding loving our partner in a way that connects to them. If you have not read this book or taken the quizzes to learn your love language, check out the book here: The 5 Love Languages.

The 5 Love Languages Trailer, Dr. Gary Chapman.

Below are the 5 Love Languages and tips to implement them:

 

  1. Words of Affirmation

Those whose primary love language is words of affirmation value verbal praise and recognition. They respond to words in a way that connects deeply to their soul. For them, verbal appreciation is like water to a dry desert.

Tips to connect through this love language: Compliments, expressing appreciation, recognizing your partner’s talents and gifts, offering sentiments of encouragement, writing notes and communicating their importance to you.

  1. Acts of Service

5 love languages Actions are what make this love language exist. If acts of service is a primary love language for your spouse, then they value the time that you invest in helping. Actions speak louder than words for anyone who connects with this love language. Demonstrating love through helping is a sure way to practice loving effectively.

Tips to connect through this love language: Helping with household tasks, doing maintenance on your partner’s vehicle, assisting with yard work, making special meals, spring cleaning and completing home projects.

  1. Receiving Gifts

Giving gifts has forever been a way that love is expressed. Even animals bring “gifts” to their owners (ex: that mouse on the doorstep is simply to please you!). With a primary language of receiving gifts, partners feel deeply loved and appreciated through being thought of. Gifts do not always need to be expensive or extravagant, they can be simple and just a way of saying, “I was thinking of you.”

Tips to connect through this love language: Remembering birthdays and anniversaries, homemade cards, bouquets of flowers, things connected to what your partner enjoys such as books, wine, or new tools.

  1. Quality Time

5 love languagesYour undivided attention and time is most important to those who primarily feel love through quality time. Quality timers value attentiveness and responsiveness. They enjoy spending time with you, having reciprocity and making memories together. Time is gold when it comes to this breed.

Tips to connect through this love language:  Turning off the television when conversing, experiencing new things together, getting a babysitter and having an evening alone, working out together, practicing active listening and running errands together.

  1. Physical Touch

5 love languages Touch is a powerful method to experiencing a physical connection with another. If your partner’s primary love language is physical touch, they feed off of touch in different ways. Physical touch encompasses broad forms of touch and it is not subjected to simply sexual interactions. Emotional needs can often be acknowledged through touch.

Tips to connect through this love language: Giving hugs, patting your partner’s leg in the car, holding hands, kissing throughout the day, sitting close and cuddling.

 

For more on healthy relationships, check out 31 Empathetic Statements that Show You Care.

 

5 Practices to Start the Day You Get Married

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  1. marriedContinue to date.

This is one of the most important things for a couple to uphold when they get married. For those married or dating, it is essential to create special occasions where you and your partner can spend quality time together. Falling into the same robotic routines can create distance and boredom within marriages. Through dating, couples are able to create intentional occassions to connect, feel special and experience love.

“Dates got you to a place where you wanted to marry each other. If you want to stay married, then keep dating your spouse.” -Andy Traub

  1. Acknowledge the good often.

Gratitude fuels a marriage. Acknowledging your spouse in their efforts to keep the house clean, changing the oil, or working overtime will do wonders for your marriage. Unfortunately, it is so easy to comment on the negative things that we sometimes forget to acknowledge the positive things. This leaves for bitter partner. However, when couples acknowledge the good, they are saying, “I see you. I appreciate you. Thank you.”

“We value virtue but do not discuss it. The honest bookkeeper, the faithful wife, the earnest scholar get little of our attention compared to the embezzler, the tramp, the cheat.”― John Steinbeck

  1. Protect your marriage.

Creating boundaries early in a marriage will assist in mitigating future arguments. Couples need to discuss with each other what is and/or is not appropriate within the walls of their unique marriage. How do you feel about friends of the opposite sex? Is it okay to discuss your problems with your in-laws? How do you feel about technology in the bedroom? These conversations help couples create the boundaries they need in order to protect their marriage before major problems arise.

“I’ve known plenty of couples who choose to ignore budding problems or dissatisfactions because it’s easier in the moment. But too much of that for long enough, and you all of a sudden have a huge problem on your hands, or a midlife crisis, or a broken marriage.”― Fawn Weaver

  1. No secrets.

Communicating the truth can be extremely painful. But what hurts even more is not communicating at all. Transparency will keep you and your spouse close. When couples start keeping little secrets early on in their relationship, things can easily spiral out of control. Before you know it, the little things pile up into big things. While being open, couples can find ways to support each other in their struggles and adjust accordingly when someone needs help getting back on track.

“The man who can keep a secret may be wise, but he is not half as wise as the man with no  secrets to keep.” –E.W. Howe

  1. Choose your spouse first.

Whether it be work, friends, extended family, or hobbies, at one time or another, at least one of these things has gotten the best of our energy. When this happens, our spouse is expected to deal with what is left over of us after every ounce of energy has been spent. Now, imagine what would happen if this became a routine…the effects would be damaging. Couples in strong marriages set their priorities and make daily efforts to demonstrate love and care toward their spouse.

“The secret of your future is hidden in your daily routine.” –Mike Murdock

 

You can also view 10 Ways to Improve Your Relationship Today for more tips!

5 Reasons to Pay Privately for Counseling Services

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With all the talk these days about insurance companies and mental health, one may ask the question, “Why pay privately for counseling services?” While there are a number of reasons to consider paying privately for counseling services, I will lay out just a few reasons that may be helpful when deciding what is best for you and your family:

5 Reasons to Pay Privately for Counseling Services

 

  1. You, your spouse, or your child will not be labeled with a mental health diagnosis.

In order for insurance to cover counseling services, a mental health diagnosis must be given to an insured client and counseling must be considered “medically necessary.” This means that reimbursement for services will only occur if you meet criteria for a mental health diagnosis. Not all people who seek services have a mental health diagnosis and not every person who is interested in therapy will qualify for a diagnosis. Furthermore, insurance typically does not cover services for marriage or couples counseling.

 

  1. Your information is completely confidential and will not be shared without your consent

When you bill insurance, the companies are free to audit your personal information when they please. Counselors must share your mental health diagnosis with insurers and the content of therapy may be divulged to ensure future services are covered. When you pay privately for counseling services, the only people involved are you, the therapist and any others that you consent to release information to.

 

  1. You manage your care, not an insurance companypay privately for counseling services

Insurance companies limit who you can work with, what will be covered, the length of therapy, and the type of therapy that you are permitted to engage in. When paying privately for counseling, this will be decided between you and your therapist, rather than a third party.

 

  1. Your counseling records will not cause future issues regarding healthcare, life insurance, or future employment.

When billing insurance, the mental health diagnosis that your counselor gives you will stay in your health records, which are kept in the Medical Information Bureau’s national database. These records can impact future health or life insurance coverage and can even hinder employment opportunities. This is an importance aspect to consider when looking to bill your insurance.

 

  1. You know exactly what you are paying for and there are no unexpected costs.

High insurance deductibles and lack of reimbursement for services often emerge within the field of health care. This leaves people with a large bill to pay at unexpected times. When paying privately for counseling services, you know exactly what the cost is and what to budget out for health.

 

For more information, you can visit the Contact page to ask specific questions and to schedule your first appointment.

10 Ways to Improve Your Relationship Today

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Are you looking for a few quick fixes to improve your relationship? Check out the tips below and see what you can do to improve your relationship today!

10 Ways to Improve Your Relationship Today

Improve Your Relationship Today

  1. Become interested in your partner’s endeavors. We all need support in our journeys, especially from our loved ones.
  2. Accept the apology. Holding on to an argument when your partner is genuinely asking for an apology only prolongs hurt.
  3. Turn off the technology. Being present with each other is very difficult when your attention is divided.
  4. Make an effort to compromise on difficult decisions. If no one moves to a mutual agreement, you both are left upset.
  5. Use “I” Statements. Take responsibility for how you feel rather than blaming your partner. Ex: “I feel hurt when I am not invited to events.” vs “You never invite me to events!”
  6. Show up. Relationships are not part time gigs; make an effort to show up mentally, physically and emotionally, just as you would like your partner to do.
  7. Allow for mistakes. Couples can be quick to jump on the mistakes of each other but often minimize the weight of their own. Make an attempt to understand.
  8. Take interest in complimenting your spouse. We all enjoy hearing compliments and especially from people we love.
  9. Let go of past hurts. If these things have already been worked through, there is no reason to hurt your partner by berating them with the past. If you are able to do this successfully, you will definitely improve your relationship today.
  10. Admit when you need help. We all go through difficulties in our relationships. Seeking help from a professional can be the very thing you need to move forward successfully in your relationship.

If you are looking for additional assistance, you can visit the Contact page to set up your first couples counseling appointment.

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